


Through the darkness into the light

by Nuwanda



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mystery, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-20
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-05 17:14:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuwanda/pseuds/Nuwanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A traumatic experience leaves Jensen scared and broken and he flees from his old life, his job, family and friends, to chance a new beginning in a different town.<br/>When he moves into his new apartment he is falling head over heals with Jared, his gorgeous, next-door neighbour. As the immediate bond between them changes into something more, Jensen finds himself trapped between the demons of his past and his hope for a future together with Jared. Now, he needs to find the strength to step out of the shadows and grab his chance at happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> br>Some aspects of the story are taken from the crime drama series _'Wire in the blood'_ , _'Bones'_ as well as from _'Criminal Minds'._  
>  My **beta** on this one is the adorable, incredibly funny and sweet **Rant_Girl**

The dreams he has these days are always the same.

Though there are slight variations.

Like the different shades of grey painted along the sky. Sometimes, the sky is nearly black in a way that means nothing good can come out of it. Heavy and depressing just as it is before all hell breaks loose. At other times it's just the soft and pearly, silvery grey of a misty morning in a rural landslide. 

Almost peaceful, almost beautiful – almost.

The intensity of the rain differs as well. Sometimes it's pouring down, literally raining cats and dogs, flooding streets and drains. An unyielding icy wetness that leaves soaked clothes and clammy skin. At other times the rain is light, thousands of tiny drops as they would come down on a warm summer day. 

Almost like a soft caress, almost like a gentle touch – almost.

There are many other things that differ from time to time, like the noises that surround him, the caw of a raven or the faint murmur of the nearby river. Or the scents that float through the air, changing from the earthy richness of an autumn day to the lulling sweetness of sunflowers in late summer. 

But the core of his dreams......the core remains the same. 

He is lying on his back, small shallow gasps passing his lips as he breathes through the pain. He tries to shift, tries to move but it hurts too much. Hot flames searing through his body and he groans while a desperate tear runs down his cheek. 

He turns his head to the side and his vision blurs before he can focus on familiar chocolate brown eyes which are wide with shock and fear. He tries to find the right words, wants to make it better, but he can't. In this particular time and place of hell, there are no words, there is nothing to say. 

He wills his body to listen, literally forces himself to reach out and he grabs the shaking hand of the person lying next to him and squeezes it softly, rubbing his thumb across the cold skin. He can feel clammy fingers tighten around his own. With all words are gone, this is all what is left.

Right before it happens, in a moment of realization, he can see the tiny flicker around the iris and then he hears the click when the bolt snaps back and he watches helplessly as the once laughing, beautiful warm eyes grow cold and cloud over. 

He had played with the devil and had lost an angel.

He wants to scream but it is just a wrecked sob that escapes his lips and he turns away, staring into the vastness of the sky through the canvas of rustling leaves high above him.

“Game over. I win. But it's been a pleasure, my friend.” the low whisper reaches his ear and he can hear the man move and walk away and then he is alone.

Left behind to die as well, still holding on to the slack hand in his. A hiss escapes his lips when his cough elicits a sharp pain in his side and there is the copper taste of blood in his mouth.

He knows that he should do something, _anything_ , to get out of this, to get away. His life is too precious to end like this. He should get up and run, or crawl or scream, just fight against a fate somebody else decided to put upon him. But he doesn't, he can't. There is no energy left in him to do so.

He lies on the cold ground, his clothes wet from the rain, his face wet from the tears that now fall freely. 

He remembers the first time his Dad took him to a Football game. He recalls the warm voice of his Mom as she told him a goodnight story. He remembers the taste of his favourite ice cream, the feeling of walking on the beach on a warm summer day, his first kiss, the first time he held his little niece in his hands, the dreams and hopes he had for his life.

The pain is still sharp but his eyes are heavy and his head feels as if it is filled with cotton. By now, his breath is wheezy and his hands and feet are numb while fine tremors run through his body. 

And overshadowing all is the darkness that slowly takes control over him, crawling through his body with winding tentacles to drain out every spark of life. Unyielding and unforgiving, drear and desolate.

His half-hooded eyes track a leaf, vibrant red with tiny spots of amber, as it makes its last dance with the wind. It whirls through the air, this way and that, but always further down and down and down.

He is so tired, so unbelievably tired. He is so cold, so unbelievably cold.

He exhales a long, shaky breath and closes his eyes.

~~oOo~~

In the end, it doesn't matter which grey the sky holds or what intensity the rain has because for the most part his dreams are a perfect replay of reality how he experienced it through the hazy fog of pain he had been in at that time.

When he wakes up, sweaty and disorientated, it's like he said goodbye all over again.

And every single time, it leaves him cold and broken.


	2. Goodbye and hello

Jensen looks helplessly around and sighs deeply as he takes in the huge amount of boxes which are scattered all over the place. His new apartment is much smaller than the house he used to live in. A tiny hall leads to a fairly large living room with an open kitchen, an adjoined bedroom and an unspectacularly normal sized bathroom. 

What sparked Jensen's interest though was the large window front that covers one side of the living room. He had his first look at the apartment on a bright summer day and the sun suffused the whole room with light, creating a friendly and comfortable atmosphere. Two patio doors lead to a balcony and as the apartment house is situated on a hillside, the view over the city is truly magnificent. The well kept appearance of the house and the quiet neighbourhood finally settled his decision to rent the apartment.

He scratches his head, still wondering where he should put all his stuff when there is a loud curse coming from the hallway. He turns around and smiles at Chris who staggers through the door. 

“Tell me again. Why I'm doing this?” his friend groans.

“Because you love me.” Jensen replies matter-of-factly while winking at him. Chris huffs and dumps the box he is carrying unceremoniously on the floor. 

Jensen's smile turns into a reproachful glare. “Can you be a little more careful?”

“How about the next time you move you do it on your own and without any help, huh?” Chris chunters and leans against the wall, using his sleeve to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He takes the bottle of water Jensen offers him and drains nearly half of it in one go.

When Jensen gives him another reproachful look, Chris reaches into the box and pulls out a pile of books to wave them in front of him. “Ah come on, relax. It's not like that they will crumble to dust at any moment.”

Jensen huffs and snaps the books out of Chris' hand to put them at their designated place. Chris watches him quietly and takes in the long shelve that occupies one wall of the living room from top to bottom. He is sure that by the end of the day every inch will be filled with books and that there will be even more stacks piled on the floor. It is a reassuring sign that some things will never change, even at such difficult times.

“You have too many books, anyway.” he states with an amused shake of his head, though there is fondness colouring his words.

“And here are more.” A voice grunts from behind and both men turn around to where Tom places another box carefully to the ground. Jensen throws Chris a pointed look and smiles gratefully at Tom, handing him a water bottle as well.

“That was the last box from the van, guess we are done.” Tom says and looks around at the chaos the apartment proves to be. “Are you sure you don't need any help with the rest?”

Jensen shakes his head. “There are just some smaller boxes in my car. I think, I can manage them on my own. And no way I'm letting you two unpack my stuff. I sure as hell wouldn't be able to find anything ever again.” he chuckles and quickly ducks away to avoid Tom's hand as he tries to smack his head.

Tom laughs and is about to retort something when Chris makes an almost undetectable sign for him to leave so that he can have some minutes alone with Jensen. They have been working together as partners for long enough to understand each other blindly so Tom just nods slightly in response.

“Well, if there is nothing more to do, then I'll wait downstairs.” Tom slaps Jensen's back. “If you need anything, give me a call, okay?”

“Yes, Tom, I will and thanks for the helping hand.” Jensen says and tugs Tom in for a hug. Jensen gives him another grateful smile but Tom waves him off and takes the car keys out of Chris' hand. He raises his brows encouragingly at his partner and leaves the two men alone.

There is a moment of silence before Chris clears his throat and looks around the apartment again. “So that's it then.” he states uncertain.

“Yeah.” Jensen replies and shuffles his feet across the dark parquet. Sure, Chris is his closest friend but it surprises him how hard it is to actually let him leave. The expression on Chris' face says practically the same and Jensen smiles softly.

“It's just a four hour drive. I'm not out of the world.” he says gently, a reassurance for both of them.

“You don't have to.....” Chris trails off, but his voice sounds pleading. Jensen knows anyway what Chris was about to say and shakes his head.

“It's the right thing to do.” he answers calmly, maybe more calmly than he actually feels.

Chris steps closer, eyeing him wearily. “I get that you need a change. But Jensen, this...” he waves around the apartment. ”Don't you think that this is a little too extreme?”

Jensen sighs tiredly. “We've had this talk way too many times before. I'm not changing my mind. I thought you got that by now. Hell, you were the one that found this apartment for me.”

“It's the right thing to do.” he says again when Chris just stares at him. 

“Jensen....”

“No Chris, I need this. I have to do this. I can't go on with my life as I did before....I can't.”

Chris huffs and kicks against the nearest box in frustration. “You know what? Leaving everything behind? Moving to a city where you don't know anybody? Getting a new job? That's running!”

Stalling time, Jensen moves some papers aside before he sits down on the coffee table. When he finally speaks his voice is quiet, sounding defeated. “I'm not running, Chris. I'm trying to forget and there's a big difference. And I can't do that when I'm constantly reminded of everything that happened. I'm done with my old life.”

Chris steps closer and looks down at him, his eyes soften. “Nothing that happened was your fault.”

Jensen shakes his head. “I underestimated him.”

“We all did.” Chris replies quietly.

Jensen huffs annoyed. “Maybe. But at least _I_ should have known better.” Without even noticing he placed his hand across the left side of his stomach and absentmindedly started to rub his thumb over the scarred skin. When he realizes, he lets his hand quickly fall away and his eyes flicker up to meet Chris'. At the torn expression on his friend's face Jensen lets out a hollow laugh and stands up. “There is no reason to worry Chris. He isn't going to harm me again. He is done with me.”

He is about to get past Chris but his friend holds him back by a heavy hand on his shoulder. “I'm more worried about what you do to yourself.”

“I'm okay.” Jensen answers tersely and steps away from Chris' touch.

“No, you're not.”

“Don't let Welling wait.” Jensen snaps, signalling the definitive end to their conversation.

They stare at each other for a long moment before Chris finally gives in, albeit reluctantly. He nods and pulls Jensen in for a hug. “If anything happens, you call me right away, is that clear?” When Jensen doesn't reply Chris pulls back a bit to look at him. “Say it, Jensen.”

“God, Chris, chill. You are not my Mom and I don't need any protection.” Jensen starts but falters at the deadly glare Chris is giving him. “Yeah, fine, okay. If anything happens, I'll let you know.”

He throws his arm around Chris shoulder and accompanies, or better, drags him out of his apartment and down the corridor. “Chris.” he laughs half amused, half exasperated when his friend shows no intention to make his way down the staircase.

“I don't like it.” Chris tries again.

Jensen takes a few steps into the direction of his apartment and shrugs his shoulders. “Well, there are a lot of things I don't like either. But I have to live with them and you will have to do so, too.” He turns around and leaves Chris at top of the staircase. 

When he closes the door behind him, he is sure that his friend is still standing there and he half expects to hear a knock at the door at any moment. He waits a minute or two but when he can't hear anything on the other side of the door he sighs deeply and makes his way into the living room. 

He hovers in the doorway, indecisive at what to do first when his eyes fall on the small davenport his grandma passed on to him. It is the sight of this familiar piece of furniture, the only one he took with him, in this unfamiliar surrounding that makes him finally realize and he sinks down to the floor, taking in a sharp breath.

That's it. That's really fucking it! 

Here he is with the desperate hope for a new beginning, leaving everything and everyone behind, all those places and faces that haunted him over the last few months, his family and friends, his job and his home. He has to admit to himself that Chris has every reason to believe that he is running. But he told the truth, he just wants to forget, wants to shake off the suffocating feeling of guilt and fear that disturbs his sleep and dominates his life.

He feels his hands start to shake as his desperation narrows down to that one question he doesn't, no, he can't allow himself to think about. 

_What if all this doesn't change a thing?_

~~oOo~~

Jensen kicks the door to his car closed while balancing a box in his hands. Using his body to fix it against the side window, he fumbles with the keys until he finally manages to lock his car. He already curses his own stupidity at not allowing Chris and Tom help him with the remaining stuff.

With a sigh he hoists the box and starts to head towards the house when he trips over the curb. He stumbles forward and just manages to keep his balance but it turns out to be a vain attempt as he suddenly runs into something solid. He yelps and twists around himself before he goes down to the ground. He lands on his back and the wind gets knocked right out of him. The box tipples over and the contents scatter all around the place.

“Ouch, shit. Uhh, sorry. Dude, are you okay?” someone says and Jensen can hear the suppressed laugh. He is sure that his little dance must have made a hilarious picture. Feeling his face flush he hauls himself up and rubs his aching back. He finally turns around to look into the face of a blue-eyed man, watching him with a mixture of curiosity and amusement. 

“Sorry, dude.” the guy says again.

Jensen scratches his neck and offers a little smile. “Nah, was my fault.” 

The guy tilts his head and points towards the box. “Are you moving in?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, third floor.” He crouches down to clean up the mess when he is suddenly slapped on his back from behind. It makes him cough and he has to brace himself on his hands to not fall forward.

“Oh, thank Jesus fucking Christ. We were wondering who the new tenant would be. We were afraid it was going to be an old lady with cats, or something. Man, that would have sucked. But now. Well, dude, we should throw a house-warming party for you. This way you get to know the rest of the gang. I'm Mike, by the way.”

Jensen pauses in picking up his stuff and raises his head, blinking at the waterfall of words pouring down on him. He manages to mumble his name while this gu--, Mike, catches his breath before rattling on. 

“Uh, dude, that's so awesome. We'll make it a barbecue. How about this weekend? Saturday? Yeah, Saturday is good. Hey, Sasquatch, this is Jensen, he's moving in.”

Jensen briefly wonders who 'Sasquatch' is but suddenly, there is a hand in his line of vision, holding his planner.

“Here.” says a soft voice. 

Jensen turns his head and nearly topples over again as he stares into the most intense hazel eyes he has ever seen and which are currently focused on him. He catches himself so that he just jerks slightly and he feels his cheeks go red again. He stands up and when the guy mirrors his movement, he has no doubt why he is called 'Sasquatch'. The guy is so freakishly tall that he has to _look up_ to keep their eyes locked and as he isn't small himself that really says something. A handsome face with a pointed nose, chiselled cheekbones and light stubble is adorned by a tousled mop of hair that Jensen wants to touch to see if it is a silky as it looks.

The guy shifts and Jensen's eyes are caught by the play of taut muscles and thick biceps under a tight black t-shirt. Faded-blue jeans cover those mile long legs and they are ripped just at the right places to get a good picture of the tanned skin underneath. Remembering that the guy is still holding his planner Jensen tears his eyes away and takes it. 

“Uh, thanks,...?”

“Jared.” the guy says with an absolutely adorable, blinding smile on his face. “Nice to meet you, Jensen.” 

Jensen heart skips a beat at the way his name drips from that mouth. Jared's voice is honey-smooth, soft vowels and Texas lilt, and it reminds Jensen of sunshine and lazy afternoons and hot nights spent back home in Dallas. He takes the offered hand to shake it and he can't help but notice how nicely his hand fits into Jared's much broader one. If he lets his hand linger a moment longer than necessary it is absolutely unintentional. 

Jared's smile grows even wider and his eyes sparkle as he lets his gaze flicker up and down Jensen's body. Jensen isn't sure, but he thinks that he can see appreciation lightning up Jared's face. He feels the corner of his mouth curl into an answering smile and something tugs at his heart. Something he hasn't felt in a long time – interest.

It catches him unprepared and scares him a little and he quickly turns away, focusing his attention back to the ground and all the scattered items. He squats down to pick them up and to put them back into the box.

“Let me help you.” Jared kneels down beside him and Jensen mumbles another 'thank you' but avoids to looking directly at him. Mike continues his rambling and it is all a little too much, too overwhelming and Jensen becomes more quiet with every second, nodding politely here and there but doesn't reply to much. 

Jared seems to notice his discomfort and he dips his head slightly to look at him more closely. “Hey, don't take Mike too serious. He can get quite...enthusiastic.” he says and laughs when Mike pauses and glares at him.

Jensen offers a smile but tries to keep his eyes mainly on Mike. He can feel Jared's gaze linger on him. It makes his body tingle and suddenly all he wants is to get away as quickly as possible. Grabbing the last CD's he stands up. “Well, I gotta go. I'll see you around.”

“Hey, do you want to......” Mike starts but is stopped by Jared with a small shake of his head.

Jensen lifts the box and turns to leave when Jared's arm reaches around him to place something grey on top of the box. 

“I think you forgot someone.” he says and smiles softly at Jensen.

Jensen looks down and groans inwardly when he realizes what it is. Schnozzle, his stuffed elephant from childhood days with his patched ear and tattered appearance. He feels himself go beet-root and once again he only manages a stuttered 'thank you', making his way quickly into the house and up the stairs without looking back.

~~oOo~~

Closing the door to his apartment, Jensen drops the box and leans with his back against the wall. He buries his head in his hands and lets out a long, shaky breath that turns into an embarrassed groan.

He must have looked like a complete idiot back there with his stumbling, stuttering and flushing. And if that isn't the greatest way to introduce himself to his new neighbours. He had never felt confident around strangers, and these days he felt even less so, but today had definitely surpassed that. There is a big difference between being reserved and acting like a moron and Jensen is fairly certain that his recent behaviour falls under the latter. His mind wanders to Jared with his carefree smile and his intense gaze. And again, there is that tiny flutter in his stomach, that little butterfly that whispers to him of things he longs for but doesn't want to think about, has no right to think about.

With a sigh he picks up Schnozzle and stares at the tarnished soft toy. Developing a crush on his new neighbour is not what he should be looking for so it really doesn't matter what Jared thinks about him. Maybe he should even be happy if his behaviour keeps people away from him.

He spends the next few minutes telling himself exactly that and tries desperately not to notice the way his heart wishes for something entirely else.

Lost in his thoughts, he only becomes aware of his surroundings again when the sun is about to go down over the city. He walks over to the window and watches as its soft light mingles with the pale blue sky, illuminating everything in a gentle glow. It's a mesmerizing scene and Jensen stands frozen to the spot, as his eyes follow the slow change of colours from golden orange to light purple. 

He always loved that special time of day, that moment right before the sun disappears below the horizon. It was enthralling. It was as if the world stood still for one fleeting moment, offering a peaceful quietness.

These days though, it is the promise of what comes thereafter that makes his body shudder and leaves him scared.


	3. Broken beauty

It is in the early morning hours of another beautiful summer day, four days after Jensen moved in, that Jared has the chance to talk to his new neighbour again.

Not that he didn't want it to happen earlier, preferably the same day they met, but the way Jensen practically fled from him and Mike prevented Jared from doing something stupid like knocking at Jensen's door only to ask for sugar, or eggs or, God forbid, a kiss. From the moment Jensen had looked at him, crouched down there on the pavement in front of the building, Jared had been intrigued by those expressive eyes and that soft smile. And by the way Jensen behaved towards him, he is fairly certain that the attraction is mutual.

But Jensen seemed content with being the most quiet and invisible neighbour ever. There had been hardly any noises leaking through the wall of the adjacent apartment. If it wasn’t for the faint lights at night that filtered through the curtain-closed windows and onto the balcony, Jared almost could have sworn that nobody actually lived next door.

Today though he has a day off and after coming back from his daily run through the nearby park, Jared took a quick shower and put on some grey sweatpants and a loose shirt. Grabbing the newspaper and his cup of coffee he heads towards the balcony and is about to step out when he sees him.

Jensen leans with his back against the window front; one bare foot is planted firmly on the ground while the other is propped up against the glass. Dark-blue jeans are hanging low on lean hips, tight enough at all the right places to emphasize the smooth curve of one hell of a perfect ass. The early morning sun highlights all the different shades of blond and brown in Jensen’s sleep-tousled hair, making it look soft and golden. His nose and cheeks are sprinkled with light caramel freckles that stand out clearly against his ivory-pale skin. Jensen’s fingers are curled around a mug and he raises his hand slowly to bring it to his mouth. Even from where he stands, Jared can see those amazingly long eyelashes flutter close as Jensen purses those lush lips to blow gently across the hot liquid. The steam rises from the mug in gentle twirls and dances in front of his face before it volatilises into the air.

Maybe, it is a cliché; a metaphor used a hundred different times before but Jared is certain that it never fit more perfectly than in this moment and to this man standing a few feet away. He thinks that this is what Helen of Troy must have looked like and he could easily understand what inspired men to go to war, gambling with their life and kingdoms – beauty in perfection.

“Wow” Jared whispers quietly and heat surges through his system, making his skin prickle with want. He allows himself to look for another minute before he finally steps out and clears his throat to make his presence known.

“Good morning.”

Jensen jumps slightly and when he turns his head to the side to look at him, Jared feels overwhelmed. Jensen's eyes hold so much vulnerability and he looks so uncertain and afraid. It is still a beautiful picture and yet so heartbreakingly painful that Jared doesn't know if he should reach out to pull Jensen in and hold him tight or if he should take a step back, turn around and leave. 

It's neither reaching out nor running away he chooses, instead, all he can do is to keep frozen to the spot and continue to stare. He is about to ask, if everything is all right when Jensen closes his eyes and seems to gather himself and when he opens them again, all those disturbing emotions are gone, replaced by a gentleness that makes Jared's speeding heart slow down. He relaxes visibly and just like that, the uneasiness from a moment ago is gone.

“Morning” Jensen replies and his mouth curves into a half-smile. Scratching his neck, he drops his head slightly and eyes Jared from under his lashes. Jared thinks that no one should have the right to look that breathtakingly adorable and he doesn’t even notice when he takes a few steps forward and braces his hands on the railing that separates the two balconies. He flashes his best boyish grin towards Jensen.

“How are you settling in so far? Everything all right?” he asks and curious as he is, he leans forward and peers into Jensen’s apartment as the now drawn back curtains provide a perfect view of the living room. 

"Oh yes, I'm coming along quiet well." Jensen replies.

Jared can see a few boxes standing around but otherwise Jensen did use the last days well to unpack and store away his stuff. The room is a beautiful contrast between light coloured walls and draperies against dark wooden furniture. It looks warm and homey and Jared is instantly reminded of the documentary he saw once about marmots doing their nest-building for hibernation. Not that he thinks that Jensen and a marmot have a lot in common, except for being utterly cute. He huffs a laugh at his own train of thoughts and is about to shift his weight backward when his hand slips from the railing and he loses his balance and almost makes a front somersault but Jensen snaps forward and holds him upright with one hand pressing against his chest. 

Jared blinks and maybe looks a little bit dumbstruck and that is when Jensen starts to laugh and it is a genuine, honest laugh. Jensen's hand is still on his chest and he can feel the warmth of the palm seep through his t-shirt, leaving its imprint on his skin and even deeper. Jared raises his head and sees Jensen's eyes sparkle and he thinks that maybe he shouldn't find the little crinkles that appear around his eyes so damn attractive, but he does. 

Suddenly, Jared has the urgent wish to be able to make him always this relaxed and happy. He stands there and watches how Jensen tries to gain back his composure and he swallows around the lump in his throat. He finds himself falling and he has the feeling that he could fall truly and deeply. And this shouldn't be possible, at least not at this point in the game; he doesn’t even know anything about Jensen. But there is something about him that sparks Jared's interest beyond any physical desire he definitely feels for this man.

“That's what happens to people when they get snoopy.” Jensen grins at him.

Jared huffs. “I'm glad I was able to amuse you.” he replies, opting to pout though he can feel the smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth.

“Yeah, wasn’t that nice of you.” Jensen's voice sounds almost flirtatious, but his expression falters when Jared shifts and he becomes aware of his hand still spread out across Jared’s chest. There is a short moment when Jared can feel the slightest curl of fingers in the fabric of his shirt before Jensen steps back, his cheeks are flushed and he smiles self-consciously. 

Running his hand through his hair, Jensen turns away and lets his eyes sweep across the city. “It’s a beautiful view.” he says, pointing ahead.

“Yes it is.” Jared replies slowly, never once taking his eyes away from Jensen. There must be something in his voice, colouring his words and Jared assumes it to be desire. Whatever it is, it makes Jensen turn around again and stare at him, his eyes cautious, measuring and Jared decides to go with another one of his blinding smiles as he has no intention to scare Jensen away. Somehow, his behaviour is similar to that of a wild animal, curious enough to come looking but ready to coil back at the slightest sign of a possible danger.

He steps back to give Jensen more space, and plops down on his chair. “You should see the view from the rooftop though. It’s even better. Have you been up there, yet?” Jared asks, trying to sound as casual as possible.

“No, I haven’t.” Jensen replies, shaking his head.

“Oh, then you should wait 'til Saturday for the barbecue. During night, it's the most perfect time up there; all the lanterns on and hopefully some stars if the weather stays like this.” Jared says, he stretches his legs and lets out a content sigh. “With Sandy's strawberry punch, Chad's steaks and Steve playing on his guitar, it's gonna be an awesome evening.”

“Listen Jared, about Saturday.” Jensen starts, taking an unsure step towards him. “All this sounds really nice, but I'm not sure if I can make it. I know you want it to be a house-warming party, but....a friend of mine is in town and I haven’t seen him in a while, so yeah, well....” he trails off and shrugs his shoulders. 

While listening to Jensen, Jared leans forward and watches him closely. He catches Jensen's eyes and he can see hesitation, maybe regret, definitely an apology. Although he doesn't know much about the man, Jared is sure of one thing; one look into Jensen's eyes tells him more than any words. Maybe it was the mentioning of all those other people or Jared's eagerness about the whole thing but Jensen is retreating, his obvious shyness making him hole up into that shell again. And Jared can't help but feel a little disheartened because over the last few minutes he has seen glimpses of another, more open Jensen and he liked what he saw. 

He tries to hide his disappointment and waves Jensen off, hoping his smile looks genuine. “Nah, no problem. We’ll have a barbecue anyway. But maybe you can join us later, after your friend is gone?”

Jensen nods and takes his mug, ready to head inside. “Yeah, maybe.”

To Jared it sounds more like a 'no'. And somehow, that's not acceptable. “Jensen?” he calls quietly.

Jensen stops in the door and turns around to face him. “I hope you can make it, I really do.”

Jensen doesn't reply anything, his expression unreadable, but then his eyes seem to lighten up a bit and the look he is giving Jared? Right before he vanishes inside his apartment? Well, Jared wants to believe that this time, it is an honest 'maybe'.

~~oOo~~

There are times, when Jensen feels good, or at least he can make himself believe that he does. Pretending that nothing has ever happened and that he is not as screwed up as he actually is.

Today though, is one of the bad days. 

He is sitting at the island in the kitchen and staring at his dinner without much of an appetite. He tries not to think about this morning and the conversation he had with Jared. Tries not to think about Jared _at all,_ but he doesn't succeed. He likes Jared, God help him, he really does. His heart made little flip-flops whenever Jared was near, a tangible spark of electricity hanging in the air. And this is exactly, what scares the living shit out of him. He isn't sure if he is ready to let somebody in again. The knowledge about loss and the fear of losing again are too painfully vivid in his mind.

Sometimes Jensen thinks, he will never be able to love anybody ever again. And who wants him anyway? Nobody wants to deal with damaged goods, especially not someone as gorgeous as Jared. Once he finds out how screwed up Jensen really is, the heated looks he gives him will be replaced by aversion.

Jensen rubs his tired eyes as exhaustion catches up with him. He knows that he should eat something and with a sigh he scoops up some noodles, but can’t bring himself to put them into his mouth, fighting against the sudden nausea that threatens to overwhelm him. Shuddering slightly, he pushes the plate away and stands up. There is a rustling sound by the window and he jumps around with a hitched breath, staring at the newspaper that is moved by the wind. At times like this, when it gets really bad, the slightest noise freaks him out.

Starting to pace the living room like a caged animal, Jensen tries desperately to get rid of the tension that is building inside him. He can feel the scar burning on his lower abdomen and the sweat pooling on his forehead. 'Calm down.” he whispers to himself and holds his breath, counting to ten before he breathes out in a long, slow exhale. _Shit, it doesn't help._

He clenches his fists and tries to focus on the way his fingernails are digging into his palms. Blanketing his mind while focusing on the physical pain. His eyes dart to his phone, not for the first time in the last hour and this time, he actually picks it up. He presses speed dial and lets out a panicked noise when the call goes straight to voice-mail. He hesitates a moment before he dials again, clutching the receiver tightly in his hand. When a familiar voice answers the call his knuckles are white.

“Hey, Theresa, it’s me, Jensen. Is Agent Kane at the office?”

“Oh, Jensen, sweetheart, how are you?”

Jensen squeezes his eyes closed and tries to endure the concern and sympathy he can hear in her voice though all he wants to do is scream. He doesn’t deserve any of it, he doesn't want any of it. But that’s just Theresa, straight from the beginning she took him under her wing and in the course of time they worked together developed some sort of a mother-son-relationship.

~~oOo~~

__

_ Seven years ago.  
_

_“Here we go, sweetheart.” Theresa pushes open the door and lets Jensen enter the room first._

_“There is someone coming for the plates on your door later and I put your extension number down for you on the scribbling pad. The tech support has already set up the computer and all your stuff is in the storage boxes over there.”_

_Jensen turns around and smiles at the elderly woman who, as Chris told him, is pretty much the heart and soul of the unit. “Thanks Mrs. Snyder.”_

_“Didn’t I tell you to call me Theresa?” she scowls and slaps his arm slightly. “Well, I'll leave you to it. If you need anything else, you know where to find me.”_

_Jensen stands in the middle of the office,_ his _office, and takes in the big cherry oak desk, the comfortable looking seating area and a smile spreads across his face. This is what he worked for all the way through college and university. He always wanted a job where he could do something important, helping other people and now he finally has the chance to prove himself. He just hopes he can exceed the expectations towards him._

_He rummages through his boxes and pulls out his framed graduation certificates and puts them on the shelf behind his desk. There is a knock on his door and Jensen turns around to find Chris leaning against the frame, watching him with amusement._

_“Welcome, psychic boy.”_

_“Shut up.” Jensen huffs and seats himself on the corner of his desk. “Or I will put you up for a weekly consulting hour with me. How about that? You can tell me your dreams and your little nasty fantasies and I will finally get the proof for what a lunatic you really are.”_

_Chris shudders and a frown appears on his face. “Whoa, that’s creepy.” And he sounds genuinely horrified. “No offence, but you know I hate that crap. And the prospect of having to talk to you? Ten times worse, man.”_

_Jensen turns half-serious. “That’s okay. If you need to see a consultant I’ll make sure that you will be appointed to another psychologist. You and I are friends, that’s reason enough.”_

_“As if I'll ever need that psychobabble bullshit.” Chris huffs but looks relieved and claps his hands. “All right then, first day and you are already needed. We have a meeting in ten minutes.”_

_Jensen throws him an uncertain look and Chris sighs disapprovingly. “You have nothing to worry about. You are good at what you do and you know that. The FBI wouldn't have hired you if it wasn't true. I sure as hell wouldn’t have recommended you for the job if I didn’t think you could actually do it.”_

_“I know. It's just.....I talked to my parents yesterday.” Jensen shrugs his shoulders and hears Chris answering growl._

_“You need to stop that; Jensen. You need to stop trying to please other people,_ especially _your parents. So, you're not straight and not married and don't have any kids and you're not a star attorney like your precious brother. Does that really matter? Don't sell yourself short.”_

_Jensen pushes off his desk and rubs his neck. “Yeah, you're right. Come on, let's go.”_

_Chris' mouth morphs into his famous shit-eating grin. “One thing though, Jenny.” he says and points towards the certificates, shaking his head mockingly “Showing off a little too much, don’t you think?”_

_He chuckles and jumps aside to avoid the flying pen that Jensen throws after him._

_“Don’t call me that.” Jensen grumbles. “At least not here. Chris, please.”_

_Chris just smiles smugly and Jensen rolls his eyes. “What could I have possibly done to deserve you as a friend?” he groans._

_“You nearly drowned in our pool on my twelfth Birthday.” Chris answers with a laugh and starts to walk away._

_“Conference room in five.” he calls from the corridor and Jensen shakes his head. He takes his note book, picks up his pen from the floor and heads off quickly after Chris._

~~oOo~~

“Theresa, can you tell me if Agent Kane is in or not?” Jensen cuts her off and cringes at the harshness of his words.

There is a short pause before Theresa answers. “No, Jensen. He is on a case. I’m sorry. Did you try his cell?”

“Yeah, I did, but….well, never mind.” he hates himself for sounding so desperate.

“Do you want me to get hold of him?” she asks and now there is genuine worry in her voice.

Jensen rubs his forehead, feeling like a little kid that gets lost in the shopping mall and will start to cry at any moment because he can't find his Mom. It’s pathetic and absolutely humiliating. “No, I’ll just try to catch him later. Bye, Theresa.” he chokes out and ends the call before she can reply.

The sun is low, casting shadows across the room. Too many for him to feel comfortable. He turns on the light on the side table and huddles up on the couch, staring into the last remnants of the day.

He watches as the darkness takes over the place and although the warm wind is an echo of the heat of the day, Jensen can already feel the cold as it starts to take hold of his body. Not for the first time he wishes that he could follow the sun only to see it rise again. But he is trapped here, where the shadows are getting longer and longer with each passing minute and he makes himself smaller, pulling his knees up to his shivering body.

The oncoming night is going to be one of those, where he cannot pretend that everything is okay, leaving him to face the monster that lurks within the shadows


	4. Up on the roof

_Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,  
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,  
To the last syllable of recorded time;  
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools  
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!  
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,  
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,  
And then is heard no more. It is a tale  
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,  
Signifying nothing.*_

 

Jensen closes the book in his hands with a snap and lets his head rest against the back of his armchair. As much as he tries, he can't focus on a single line he just read. With a tilt of his head he looks at the clock over the fridge and watches as the steady movements of the hands are counting the minutes away – nearly eight. There is music and the faint sound of laughter drifting to him through the open windows. It is Saturday evening; it is the night of the barbecue where he is supposed 'to get to know the rest of the gang'. Jensen has to smile a little as Mike's words echo in his ears.

His phone is ringing and he lets the call pass on to the answering machine. Chris' worried voice cuts through the silence of his apartment and Jensen can't help but to feel guilty. “Hey, saw your number on my cell and I hope you are okay. Sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner. Call me when you hear this. And don't you dare try to avoid me. No hiding, Jenny, I mean it.”

The last sentence makes him snort as he remembers the last time he didn't answer one of Chris' calls for more than two days. He was about to doze off in one of his garden chairs when suddenly four FBI agents appeared in front of him. It had almost given him a heart attack and he had yelled at an unimpressed Chris for over ten minutes. But no doubt his friend wouldn't hesitate and send the whole cavalry again if Jensen doesn't give a sign of life soon. Chris has always been a little overprotective, seeing Jensen's well-being as one of his priorities since he pulled him out of his pool. It hasn't become better lately. 

He reaches for his cell to text Chris a short message, saying that he is okay and would call him tomorrow before he curls up into his armchair again, letting out an exasperated noise. Who is he trying to kid? He is anything but okay. The emptiness inside him grows with each passing day and he feels so goddamn lonely, more than ever in his whole life. That he has chosen this deliberately doesn't make it easier to bear.

The past days he started to explore the city, endless walks through the streets of his new neighbourhood, a trip to take a look at the sleek glass façades of the downtown area and a tour to the bustling harbour with its ferry landing places and the neat and tidy promenade. One time, he strolled through a small park with a little pond. There was a family with two little children feeding the ducks, an elderly couple sitting on a bench, two skateboarding teenage boys trying to impress some girls. He walked like he was in trance and watched them dispassionately and distanced. It is strange how life goes on around him in its normal, recurrent patterns while his own life is standing still. 

A soft knock startles him out of his thoughts and he contemplates a moment if he should just let it pass but in the end he gives up and opens the door. Jared is standing in front of him with a broad smile on his face and his hands in his pockets.

“Hi Jensen. I saw light and wondered if you would be back from meeting your friend and maybe....” Jared trails off and a frown appears on his face. Suddenly Jensen feels utterly conscious about the way he looks, with dark patches under his eyes and the ashen pale colour of his skin, wearing just boxers and a t-shirt. He closes the door a bit as if he wants to hide in the shadows of his apartment. If he wouldn’t feel so miserable he would have laughed out loud at the irony of his action.

“Did something happen?” Jared asks and takes a step forward, looking slightly alarmed. The gentleness of his voice causes the tightness in Jensen's chest to loosen a bit and he stares at Jared for a long moment before he can break the eye contact.

“I'm fine, just a rough day.” he tries to dismiss Jared’s obvious concern with a laugh though he knows it sounds too hollow. Jared nods but from the intense way he continues to study Jensen, it is clear that he doesn't believe him. That he won't push it further though, is something Jensen is really grateful for.

“Uhm, so you probably don't want to join us.” Jared takes a hesitant step back and worries his lower lip with his teeth. His hair falls into his eyes as he looks down to his feet and starts to turn away. “Yeah, so, maybe next time.”

Jensen looks back inside his apartment and he finds it somehow funny that at this moment he can't think of one good reason why staying here would be so much better than spending an evening with Jared. His heart beats widely in his chest when he calls after him.

“Jared wait.” Jared turns back round at the sound of his name. 

“Actually, I think a barbecue is exactly what I need right now.” Jensen notices with mild surprise how true and right those words feel; that this is something he really, really wants to do.

“Yeah? Oh, that's awesome. I…well, uh, guess I'll see you upstairs, then.” Jared beams at him and gives him another one of those looks that causes Jensen’s heart to do that flip-flop-thing again before he turns around and literally bounces down the hallway. 

Jensen leans out of his apartment to look after him and chuckles softly. Remembering his childhood stories he is instantly reminded of an overgrown Tigger. “Whoop-de-Dooper Loop-de-Looper Alley-Ooper“ he mumbles to himself.

“What?” Jared turns around and stares at him.

Jensen blushes and shakes his head, wondering why he is always making a fool of himself. “Uhm, nothing.”

After Jared left, Jensen makes his way into his bedroom and it really means nothing if he takes a moment or two longer to carefully select the perfect t-shirt, turquoise-green because he knows what other people say about his eyes. It also means nothing if he changes his jeans once or twice or even three times until he is satisfied with the way it accentuates a certain attribute of his physique. Collecting his keys from the table by the door, his eyes fall to the picture that he has placed there. He stops and needs a moment before he pulls himself together and manages to push away the upcoming feeling of guilt. 

“I think you would really like him.” he whispers and finally leaves his apartment.

~~oOo~~

__

_ Three years ago  
_

_Jensen is perched over his desk with his glasses low on his nose, leafing through a thick file. The rhythm the pen in his fingers produces on the sleek surface of his desk is impatient and his forehead is marked with deep frowning lines. He picks up one of the many pictures and focuses on it long and with such intensity it makes his vision blur._

_“Come on, man. Come on, talk to me. Who are you?” He huffs a breath and takes off his glasses to rub his tired eyes when he notices somebody standing right in front of his desk._

_“Chris.” he acknowledges his friend’s presence without looking up._

_Chris yanks one of the chairs up, spinning it around and straddling it. ”Let’s call it a day, Jensen. Some of the others are going to grab a beer at Ty's around the corner. We should join them.”_

_Jensen raises his head slightly to meet Chris' calm and composed eyes and something snaps inside him. “I don’t get this guy.” he says fiercely, slumping back into his chair. “There are no regular patterns or maybe I’m just too stupid to see them. Six months, Chris. Six goddamn months, and I still can’t make heads nor tails of this. It doesn’t make any sense and we’re still no closer to catching him.”_

_Chris doesn’t even blink when Jensen tosses the file across the room and scads of papers and pictures sail through the air, landing in a heavy mess on the grey carpet. “Killing people never makes sense.” he says._

_“Yes and no. All people are driven by something, Chris. A certain need that has to be fulfilled. Hunger, love, fear, obsession, hate. From the killer's point of view, as abnormal and as far from anything remotely resembling the social norm as it may be, it makes sense. But this guy? I have no fucking clue. He doesn't even seem to have a recurrent MO for Christ's sake.”_

_“When he makes a mistake. And he_ will _make a mistake, then we'll be on him. In the meantime we do our job as best as we can. Give yourself a break, Jensen; otherwise it will eat you up.”_

_“Wow, how clever, can't believe I didn't think of that one, thank you Dr. Freud. You wanna take over my job?” Jensen replies dryly. He kicks back his chair and walks over to the window._

_“Oh, fuck you. Do you think you are the only one who wants to catch that bastard? Believe me, I would love to put a bullet in his head. But right now, there is nothing else WE can do!”_

_“Shit. Sorry, Chris.” Jensen mumbles after a few too quiet seconds._

_“Nothing to say sorry for. Come on, let's get out of here. First round is on me.”_

_Jensen nods but makes no move. “Go ahead I’ll catch up with you in a bit. I need…” he trails off and waves at the papers scattered all over the floor._

_It is almost an hour later when Jensen enters the bar. He exchanges a few words with Tom before he heads over to Chris, curiously eyeing the handsome-looking man his friend is talking to. About the same height as him, he has brown-reddish hair, a lean but firm body and a permanent mischievous smile seems to tuck at the corner of his mouth._

_Chris greets Jensen with a slap on his back when he approaches them. “Hey, you made it. Jensen, this is Liam Griffin, our new lab technician. Liam, this is our shrink, Jensen Ackles.”_

_Jensen scowls at Chris for the introduction and turns around to shake Liam’s hand, using the time to take in his features more closely. One of the first things Jensen notices are Liam’s eyes, chocolate brown with an intense warmth and full of life._

~~oOo~~

Frozen to the spot with his hand still on the door handle, Jensen looks around with wide eyes. He doesn’t know what he expected, maybe a plain roof with some deck chairs or a bench and a barbecue grill, but clearly not the stunning roof garden that is laid out in front of him.

Different sized containers are placed, what seemingly at random, all over the roof, accommodating various kind of flowers, woven together in a perfect arrangement of blooming red and orange, purple and pink. Jensen thinks that Monet's garden at Giverny couldn't be lusher than this colourful sight. Not that he has been there but he saw pictures and of course the paintings so he allows himself the comparison. There are other plants too, some Jensen do knows, some he doesn't. He recognizes heath and conifers and on the other side there are tendrils of roses covering a brick wall with a small bench placed amidst the ocean of soft-pink and white. 

Right in the middle of the roof is a small patch of lawn framed with paving stones. A little path made from the same stone is leading to the far end of the roof, where dining and lounging furniture are set up, surrounded by torches and lanterns and covered by a large awning to shelter against the weather. Jensen closes his eyes and inhales deeply, his nose fills with the sweet, flowery scent that wafts through the warm summer night air. 

“Wow, man, you are real. I already started to worry Jared imagined you.” A voice addresses him and he turns to his left taking in the man with dirty-blond hair and blue eyes. “It’s nice to finally meet you. We already heard a lo--…” 

“Chad.” Jared’s hand clamps down on Chad’s shoulder and Jensen’s doesn’t miss the pleading look he gives his friend, obviously nervous about what else Chad might say. “Steve needs your help at the grill.”

“Whatever you say, man.” Chad smirks before he strolls over to his friends, who stopped talking and now cast curious glances towards Jensen.

Jared groans quietly. “Just try to remember one thing; they _can_ be nice and decent people.”

His eyes slide over Jensen for a second before he motions him to follow and judging by the slow intake of breath Jared makes, Jensen silently congratulates himself for his obviously right choice of clothes. Even if he tells himself that he just wanted to make a good impression on _all_ his housemates and not just on Jared. He turns his head and stares at the spider web of glistening streets below him, reaching down the hill and stretching across the city and its illuminated skyline. Up here on the roof everything looks so far away and peaceful. 

“You were right.” he says quietly and offers a small smile when Jared stops and turns around. “The view is amazing. Thanks.”

“It's all my pleasure.” Jared replies with a seriousness that makes Jensen lock eyes with him. His breath stutters and he is glad when they continue their way over to the group of people waiting expectantly for them.

“Everybody, this is Jensen.” Jensen steps closer and raises his hand awkwardly. All eyes are on him and he can already feel how the heat creeps into his cheeks. 

“So, the guy at the grill is Steve, first floor left side." Jared says. "You already got to know Mike and Chad, they both live in the apartments on the second floor, don’t ever set foot down there, batshit-crazy-war-zone-place is not nearly close enough to describe what that floor is like. This is Mike’s girlfriend Amy and the ladies over there are Danneel and Sandy, their apartment is on the first floor right side.”

There is more smiling, handshaking and questioning and to Jensen's annoyance stuttering when Sandy asks why he moved here. He is not sure what to tell them, as he doesn't want to lie but he can't exactly tell the truth either. This is the moment when Steve suddenly comes up to the table and puts down a plate with hamburgers. “All right, enough of the introduction, let Jensen have a break. Steaks will be ready in a moment.” Jensen catches Steve's reassuring smile and nods thankfully.

“You can sit over here, Jensen.” Danneel stands up from the bench she was sitting on and takes a seat on one of the chairs, shaking her head when Jensen starts to protest. “You'll have a better view over the city.”

Jensen thinks her offer has nothing to do with him enjoying the view and more with the fact that this way he is seated next to Jared. He risks a glance sidewards when he sits down, just in time to see Jared throwing an embarrassed look at Danneel who just smiles sweetly and raises her eyebrows innocently. Obviously they all saw him not so much as their new neighbour than as Jared's date or something and Jensen sighs inwardly, fumbling nervously with his fork. This is going to be an interesting evening with awkwardness as an additional party guest.

While eating and chatting Jensen can't help but to look around the roof garden now and again, still mesmerized by the sheer beauty of it. 

“You like it?” Jared leans closer and somehow their thighs end up pressed against each other. Unintentional or not, Jensen can't tell but he doesn't move and neither does Jared.

Jensen turns his head and looks at him as if this is the dumbest question he has ever heard which could be true by the way. “Seriously? You even need to ask? Dude, it is absolutely beautiful.” His eyes widen when he notices Jared's proud smile. “Wait, this is your work?”

Jared makes a dismissive gesture with his hand “Nah, I didn't construct it or anything. I just take care of the plants and flowers.” 

Mike punches his shoulder and snorts. “'Just'? Ah, now don't be modest, man. Way to impress your d-- uhm.....Jensen.”

“Jared is the one who designed it.” Sandy tells Jensen.

“Guys....” Jared starts.

“And oversaw the whole construction works.” Mike adds.

“Jared is a fucking genius when it comes to plants.” Chad pipes in 

“Come on guys.” Jared says and casts an embarrassed look at Jensen. “It's really nothing, it's just what I do, my job. I'm a landscaper.”

“He is working on a major project at the Botanical garden right now. His company won the design prize for the new lakeside area.” Sandy says, nodding proudly. Jensen has to smile at their not so subtle way to try and 'sell' Jared to him and how it makes the guy in question fidget at his side. Though he has to admit that he is pretty impressed and says so aloud. 

It makes Jared beam and Chad huff, rolling his eyes playfully. “Jared is very fond of his little green friends. He even talks to them if he thinks he's alone. I found him once up here, chatting animatedly to the thin air and well, the plants.”

Jensen blinks and stifles a laugh, turning questioningly to a scarlet-red Jared who glares desperately at his friend. “That's not true.” he mutters under his breath.

“Yeah, well. Either that, or you have an invisible friend.” Chad teases him and Jared groans in response, burying his head in his hands. “I have truly evil friends.”

“I wish I had green fingers but so far I have ruined every plant I've ever owned.” Jensen interrupts them, taking pity on Jared who turns to him with a fond smile.

“Oh it isn't that different from taking care of another person or like in a relationship. If you want a plant to grow and strengthen you have to take care of their needs but without suffocating them. Letting a plant grow takes time. You can't force it, they need a solid basis if they're going to sprout, otherwise they'll be open to weeds and parasites. It's all about getting the right balance so they can bloom and flourish like they should.” Jared stops as he realises he is rambling 

“Uh, sorry, got carried away. I always do. I just...I like to help things grow and keep them alive and...” he grins sheepishly. “I'm doing it again.”

Jensen needs a moment to find any words to what Jared just said. “Damn, that was....wow, makes me want to go to the next shop and buy a plant right now.” He looks down, spinning his beer bottle in his hands. “But as I said, plants don't survive in my care, must be doing something wrong.” Jensen laughs self-consciously, wondering if he is still talking about his unlucky handling of plants or about his relationships. 

Jared watches him thoughtfully before he answers. “Maybe that's because you haven't found the right plant yet. Just go to keep on trying. You know what they say; every pot will find its lid.”

Jensen looks down, studying his hands. “Yeah, maybe.” He turns away and asks Steve for another beer as he thinks that he is nowhere near relaxed enough for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Jensen is reading Shakespeare's Macbeth


	5. The tangled web you weave

With cleaning up and storing the rest of the food away, it is way after midnight when Jared and Jensen stand on their floor, each in front of their own apartment; an awkward silence stretching between them.

Jared eyes Jensen from under his bangs as the other man fumbles with his keys to open the door. He has no idea if Jensen really liked the barbecue but, God, he hopes so. He clears his throat. “I hope you enjoyed the evening. I know they all can be a real pain in the ass and yeah, Chad is very special. But they are good friends and you know, they all really like you and maybe.....”

Jensen raises a hand to stop him, shaking his head with a soft smile. “It was nice, Jared, really. I like your friends, even Chad.” he says while he unlocks his door and pushes it open. A slight frown crosses his face and he even takes half a step back as he looks ahead. Wondering, Jared leans slightly over to risk a glance but can't see anything beyond the darkness that emanates from inside.

There is a moment of hesitation before Jensen turns around to face Jared. “Hey, you want to come in for a coffee?”

It is not hard to read the surprise that flickers over Jensen's features at his own words like he can't believe he actually invited Jared in. His eyes widen, making the green even more prominent. It is nearly enough for Jared to decline the offer, but there had also been a slight urgency to Jensen's voice like he doesn't want to be alone. As Jared is pretty certain by now that there is almost nothing he wouldn't do for the other man, he accepts Jensen's invitation with a broad smile and follows him inside.

“Make yourself at home, I’ll get the coffee.” Jensen motions for the couch while heading towards the kitchen.

Jared nods, but doesn’t sit down and takes a tour around the room instead. He lets his eyes wander around, taking in all the things that make this apartment Jensen's. It is extremely tidy except for all the books, more than Jared could count, cramped into the bookshelves and piled up on the floor and side table, looking as though they would topple over at any given moment.

“Have your read all of these?” he asks over his shoulder where Jensen stands at the kitchen counter, handling the coffee machine and putting some cookies on a plate. 

“Most of them, why?”

“I just wondered. I mean, there are like _thousands_.” Jared replies and walks over to the shelves and lets his fingers scoot along the back of some books, reading the titles. “Charlotte’s web? Yertle, the Turtle? Really?” he asks teasingly and is rewarded with a huffing noise.

“Hey, they are classics.” 

Shrugging his shoulders, he grins at Jensen and strolls along as his eyes register a few framed pictures on a small table and he steps over to take a closer look. There are some pictures of a younger Jensen together with what seems to be his parents and siblings. He just finished studying one picture showing Jensen on the back of a horse when his interest is caught by another one and he picks it up. It can't be taken that long ago as it shows a familiar looking Jensen and yet, it is a totally different person Jared is starring at. 

This Jensen is laughing broadly into the camera as he is hauled off the ground by two strong arms around his waist and he struggles with his legs to be let down again. His own hands are curled around the forearms holding him. The man standing behind Jensen and lifting him has his head placed on Jensen's shoulder, laughing as well with his hair shining red in the broad sun.

Jared turns around to ask who this guy is and finds Jensen standing there with the tray in his hand, staring at him with a closed expression. He puts the picture quickly down as if he has been burned. “Sorry.” he mumbles, though he has no idea what he’s actually apologizing for.

Jensen doesn’t say anything. He moves forward to put the tray down on the table. “I don’t know how you like your coffee, so here are milk and sugar.” The tension in the room is almost palpable.

“Thanks.” Jared reaches out to take the offered cup and when their fingers brush against each other he holds on, trying to catch Jensen’s eyes and smiles tentatively when Jensen looks back at him. “Maybe I should…..I didn't want to be snoopy, I just..." he sighs, "Do you want me to go?”

"What?" Jensen's eyes widen in shocked surprise and he quickly shakes his head. “No, God, no. You'll...” he licks his lips and looks around as if searching for something. A small smile appears on his face. “You’ll have to stay or you will never hear about how I always cry when reading Charlotte’s web.”

“Every single time?” Jared asks disbelievingly and sits down on the couch, trying to push any thoughts about the picture into the back of his mind. He grins when Jensen nods in response. “You do know that you just offered me teasing material for at least the next hundred years?” 

Jensen blushes slightly but raises his eyebrow defiantly. “Hey, look who’s talking Mr. I-sing-my-plants-a-lullaby.”

“Touché” Jared admits.

Jensen nods satisfied and settles himself comfortably on the other side of the couch with his feed propped up under him. Taking a sip of his coffee, he leans back and eyes Jared for a long moment. Then with a quiet voice he starts to tell about his childhood and his mom. That she always read him stories when he was little and how he couldn't get enough of them. When he was able to read on his own he would spend hour after hour under his blanket with a pocket lamp clutched between his hands, biting his lips while he followed pirates and cowboys, knights and princes into their worlds of adventure until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and fell asleep. 

Jared snuggles further into the cushions, listening to and commenting on Jensen's stories and it feels as if the two of them sitting together in the middle of the night, chatting the hours away is what they have done all of their lives, like it’s natural. He finds himself captured by Jensen's soft laugh and watches with satisfaction at how his body language becomes more open and he takes in all the different features of Jensen he hasn't seen so far. And he loves every fucking detail.

“So, all those books. Is that why you are working in a book store? Because you love them so much?” he wants to know at one point during their conversation but regrets his question immediately at Jensen’s sharp intake of breath as he paled visibly. 

“Something like that.” he mumbles.

“Jensen, I’m sorry. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Again, I guess..." he trails off and shrugs helplessly.

After a moment of awkward silence Jensen puts his mug down on the coffee table and watches Jared with wary eyes. “Listen, I like you Jared, I really do and that's why I will try and be as honest with you as possible. But there are things I don't want to think about let alone tell anybody. I know that this is a lot to ask, but I really do hope you are okay with it and that you still want to......whatever this is.” He sighs and looks away, biting his lips.

Jared can't help but let his eyes flicker over to the side table at the door and when he looks back he feels somehow guilty, like an intruder, already suspecting something Jensen obviously doesn't want him to know, but he is certain that Jensen's reserved nature has something to do with the red-haired guy from the picture. Jensen hands are shaking slightly and he reaches out to hold them, rubbing soothing circles into the skin with his thumbs. 

“Hey, it's okay. But you should know that if you want to talk about it that I'll be here. I know I talk a lot myself but I can also be a good listener.” There is a long pause and Jared wonders if he should say something more or do something else but Jensen beats him to it. 

"The man on the picture. He was my......" Jensen's voice is low and quiet and his eyes are fixed on some point behind Jared's shoulder. “His name was Liam.” 

Jared holds his breath. “Was?” he stutters.

“Yes." Jensen's smiles sadly. "He’s dead……murdered.”

The room temperature is suddenly too hot and Jared's mouth way too dry. “Oh my God, Jensen. That’s….I don’t know what to say. That's horrible. I'm so sorry.”

Jensen shrugs his shoulder and settles his eyes on Jared. “It’s been a year since he died and I know that I _should_ be able to talk about it but it isn't that easy, not when......” He pauses and tries to slow down his breathing before he continues; his voice is even quieter than before. “ That's all I can tell you. I'm sorry." 

“There is nothing to be sorry for. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose someone this way. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to but.....” Jared stares over to the pictures again. He can't help but asked. “Were you....were you guys together?”

Again it takes a long time before Jensen answers. “Me and Liam, it was complicated. The job I had at that time was very important to me and at one point it was all I lived for. You know, books aren’t just good for fueling your imagination, you can also hide behind them so that life passes you by without you even noticing.”

It isn't exactly an answer to Jared's question and he is still thinking about what to say next when Jensen looks down at their joined hands. Jared didn't notice he had entwined them and is about to pull away when Jensen curls his fingers and tightens his grip. “No, it's okay. I-I like it.”

Jared smiles and squeezes back, resuming his stroking motions. His mind is a jumble of thoughts and he tries desperately to come up with something to say. He stays silent though, doesn't want to sound trivial. 

“How long have you known the others?” Jensen asks suddenly and Jared jumps slightly as Jensen's voice cuts through the depressing atmosphere that had started to settle around them. 

“Chad and I have been friends since high school and we kept in touch. I moved here three years ago and after two disastrous attempts at sharing a flat he told me about the empty apartment in his house and here I am.” he explains eagerly, glad for the change of topic and happy to notice how Jensen's hands stop trembling and relax.

It makes him continue, telling Jensen everything that comes into his mind, he was never more thankful for his rambling nature than today. He talks about his own family, back in San Antonio and how he misses them, how he came here to take up the job as a landscaper and about his current project at the Botanical garden. He speaks about his dream that one day, when he has enough money saved, he will make a long trip to Europe, visiting all the gardens in Italy, France and Great Britain. He tells Jensen about the original white garden at Sissinghurst Castle in South England and that it's created entirely from plants which have white flowers or silvery leaves and how he would love to go there and see it for himself.

When he finishes Jensen smiles gently at him. “That's a good dream, Jared. Everybody should have something to work for, something to keep them going.” He doesn't say more but the melancholy and sadness he shows speaks of shattered dreams and lost perspectives and though his heart breaks for the other man Jared knows better by now than to ask Jensen about it. He is too afraid to spoil the fragile closeness they developed over the last few hours.

The sky had already lost its deep dark colour of the night, turning into the twilight of the dawning day. Jared takes a look at his watch. “Wow, I can't believe it's already five o'clock. I guess I should leave so you can catch some sleep. You don't have to work today, do you?” He stands up, reluctantly letting go of Jensen's hand which he had been holding onto the entire time.

“Don't worry, my shift doesn’t start until later in the afternoon.” Jensen gets up as well and follows him to the door. “But I really enjoyed it, we should do this again.” he mumbles shyly. 

“Yes, we definitely should.” Jared replies and when their eyes met the sudden shift in the air was almost tangible making it impossible to ignore that _something_ that hangs between them. And, oh God, Jared wants to kiss Jensen so badly; it is almost a physical ache in his chest. He wants to have that tantalizing mouth pressed against his own and to lick those lips apart and to taste what lies behind. 

Stepping into the hallway he stops and turns around, indecisive about what to do. Jensen leans against the door and looks so gorgeous and he watches Jared with such intensity, that Jared moves closer again before he can even think about it, drawn in like Jensen put a spell upon him. He reaches out and slides his hand over Jensen's cheek and further until the back of Jensen's head is cradled into his palm. He pulls him gently closer, feeling his own lips tingle with anticipation as he thinks about the next seconds. “I guess, I'm going to kiss you now.” he whispers.

“Figured.” Jensen whispers back and Jared lets out a soft laugh before he closes his eyes and leans down the rest of the way to place his mouth over Jensen's. He marvels at the way Jensen's lips give way to the pressure of his own and he traces the outline of the bottom lip with soft licks of his tongue. Jensen parts his mouth with a sighing noise and Jared doesn't hesitate to slip his tongue inside, gasping at the slick heat that awaits him. 

Jensen tastes like fresh rain on a summer day mixed with coffee and cookies and Jared groans while bringing his other hand up to cup Jensen's cheek, drawing him even closer, pushing his tongue deeper. Jensen follows willingly and moulds himself against Jared, his hands on Jared's upper arm and around his shoulder, curling his fingers into the fabric of Jared's shirt.

The kiss is all about slow and chary movements with tongues sliding carefully against each other, tasting and learning, and Jared would swear to heaven and hell and everything in between that it is the most perfect first kiss he ever experienced. It makes him want more, no skip that, it makes him want _everything_ , the whole beautiful package that is Jensen, topped with whipped cream and a cherry. 

Jared is aware that he is a lost case to feel so much for a man he met only a week ago and the more rational side of him argues to take a step back and not to involve himself so deep, so fast. But he already knows that he won't listen, that his heart will win the argument and so Jared just sinks further into the kiss until his lungs start to burn with the lack of oxygen and he breaks the kiss to look into the emerald green of Jensen's eyes, praying silently that, despite all the obvious pain and grief, he feels the same.

Jared leans down again to suck and lick gently on Jensen's bottom lip and Jensen's hot breath and low, little moan are like a soft caress against his skin. His blood rushes fiercely through his veins, roaring in his ears, quickening his heart beat and he finally has to pull away to get something like control back. "I should go.” he says hoarsely, stroking Jensen's cheek. “Do you want to meet later? This evening? I'll cook for us.”

“You can cook?” Jensen says slightly breathless but mockingly and chuckles at Jared's pout. Still, he hesitates a bit before he answers Jared's question. “Yes, sure, love to.” 

“If you don't want.....”

“No, dinner is good, really.” Jensen sighs deeply and motions between them. ”It's just that you, this…it took me by complete surprise. I really want to give it a try, but I'll need some time, Jared. Let’s take it slow, okay?”

“As slow as you want.” Jared curls his hand around Jensen's chin and places chaste kisses all over Jensen's mouth before he can force himself away. “God, I really should go.”

Jensen nods and moves out of Jared's space. “Don't get lost on your way home.” he says with one of those cute little smiles.

Jared huffs as he takes the three steps down the hallway to his apartment. “Smart, beautiful and funny. I like that.”

He still has Jensen's answering laugh in his ear, when he finally sinks down on his bed and closes his eyes.

~~oOo~~

_  
Thirteen month ago  
_

_“I'm so sick of it, Jensen.” Liam is standing in the middle of the hallway, glaring angrily at Jensen, a duffel bag in his right hand._

_“What do you expect me to do? They need me. We are closer to catching him than ever.”_

_Liam lets out a curt laugh while shaking his head. “Oh no, no, no. They don't need_ you, _they need_ a _profiler and you are not the only one predestined to do the job. Do you even realize how obsessed you are with that case?”_

_“But....”_

_“No 'but', Jensen. You promised me this trip. One week, one fucking week to talk about us and were our relationship is heading. That's all I ask for.”_

_Liam throws the bag down and storms past Jensen into the kitchen, leaving Jensen to follow him quietly._

_“You always put everything else first, your work, your family, even Chris. Everything and everybody, except yourself and thereby us. But you can't suit everybody, Jensen. If you really want to be together with me, I need you to show me, otherwise.....”_

_There is a faint buzzing sound and Jensen reaches into his pocket, pulling out his cell with a torn expression._

_“Don't you dare pick up, not now.” Liam stares at him expectantly._

_Jensen's gaze flickers between his cell and the fuming man in front of him. He takes a shaking breath and offers an apologetic smile. “They need me, Liam._ Me, _because I'm really good at my job, because I finally figure this guy out and if my expertise will help to save people, then I have to cancel this trip.”_

_Liam lets out a hollow laugh and grabs his keys. “Not even an apology or something like 'I wish it could be different'? Wow, Jensen, that really shows me how much you want to invest in us, namely absolutely nothing.”_

_Jensen steps closer, a desperate edge to his voice. “Hey come on, please. Don't leave like that. You work for the FBI too, you know how it is. Liam, please.”_

_Liam sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “Okay, here is the deal. I will give you two days to do whatever you have to do. I drive ahead, get the cabin ready and you'll come the day after tomorrow. If you don't come, then that’s it, we’re through.”_

_“I'll be there.” Jensen says firmly, stepping closer to touch Liam but the other man moves away and towards the door, picking up his duffel bag._

_“I hope so because what we have is really important to me. But right now, I'm not sure if the same goes for you. I can't give you one chance after another, Jensen. I don't want my life to be waiting for you.”_

_Jensen is watching as Liam's car leaves the driveway when his cell buzzes again. He sighs and picks up his jacket and car keys while flipping open his cell. “Agent Morgan, sir? Yes, Agent Kane informed me this morning, I'm already on my way.”_


	6. Nothing is as it seems

Jensen quit taking the bus to and from work right after his first day at the bookstore in the shopping mall. It's only a twenty minute walk from his apartment and he likes the way along the river, over the old bridge and through the tiny park. It helps him to come down from a hectic day in a job he already starts to hate with all those trashy-novel-readers who just consume the pages without actually appreciating the effort and thoughts an author put into it.

Today though, his mind isn’t filled with desperate and bored housewives, chocolate-covered kids or husbands buying last minute presents but with the anxiety about this evening and his dinner with Jared. 

He shouldn't freak out; there is no _need_ to freak out. It was just a kiss and they agreed to take it slow so everything should be fine. But somehow Jared got under his skin like no one else, making him feel more than just guilt and fear and the darkness that has surrounded him since what feels like forever. Jared slipped past all those defences he has built up so carefully, just by being adorable and outgoing, funny and in love with life in a way Jensen is afraid he himself will never be again, probably never was. He will always be that shy, insecure guy, living in his own head most of the time, hiding behind his books. So he honestly doesn't know what Jared sees in him.

The development of his crush on Jared was anything but slow; he really likes Jared and every time he sees that gorgeous guy he finds himself taking another tiny step out of his shell and into the real world and there, Jensen figures, lies the problem. Eventually Jared will see it too, that he is just a normal, boring guy who carries around a hell of a lot emotional baggage. He was never any good at making people stay on a long-term basis.

Jensen crosses the street and heads for the bridge that spans across the river, honestly thinking about calling the dinner off; sure he will find a believable excuse when he notices a young couple standing on the bridge. She is turned into him, his hands in the back pockets of her jeans. There are kissing, lips and tongues and teeth and all, lost in the non-verbal communication and totally unaware of their surroundings. Jensen hates gaping at other people, hates violating their private life which is kind of funny as most of his professional career involved exactly that, but this time he just stops and watches them as they try to convey their feelings for each other. The boy breaks the kiss and whispers something into her ear and she laughs, leaning her head against his shoulder. The perfect picture of a happy couple and he cannot help but think how much he wants to have exactly that.

Jensen continues his way and when his thoughts drift to Jared again, this time a soft smile appears on his face and he pushes his fears aside, convincing himself that maybe tonight is the perfect opportunity to take the next step out of his shell.

~~oOo~~

Climbing up the stairs to his apartment, he meets Steve halfway. At the barbecue Steve had been nothing but nice and helpful and yet, Jensen can’t help but think that something is a little strange about the guy. He is extremely careful about what he says around Jensen, always gauging his reaction that little bit closer.

“Hey, Jensen." Steve stops on the landing and leans against the wall. "It was nice to have you at the barbecue yesterday.” 

“Yeah, it was really fun.” Jensen replies, a litte reserved.

Steve runs his fingers through his hair, thinking for a moment. “If you don't have anything going on tonight, we could hang out upstairs and I bring a second guitar along. I know you said you haven’t played in a long time. But I bet with a little practise everything will come rushing back."

Jensen tilts his head and stares at Steve who looks back at him, open and friendly. The offer is genuine and Jensen feels bad for always being so over-sensitive and too quick to judge. Maybe the guy just takes a while to warm up to new people, much like he does himself. 

“Sounds good, but I'm meeting Jared tonight.” he says and tries to makes it sound casual. It's not exactly a date, at least they haven't labelled it as such. But the way Jared kissed him last night makes everything so goddamn complicated.

“Jared, huh?” Steve says with a smile Jensen doesn't quite know how to interpret; a mix somehow between approval and worry.

“Yes, he’s making dinner, why?” he asks back, sounding maybe harsher than he should, his old insecurities catching up with him again.

Steve raises his eyebrows and his smile shifting to that of calm. “Hey, I’m just teasing. You must know that Jared really likes you. You’re all he has been talking about since you showed up.”

Jensen can’t stop himself from smiling and is about to say something when Steve's cell rings and he motions for Jensen to wait a moment, while he flips it open.

“Yeah?”

_“Why didn’t you call?”_

He glances quickly at Jensen, clearing his throat. ”Hi Brian, what’s up?”

There is a pause on the other side of the line, before the man speaks again. __

_“He’s with you right now, isn’t he?”_

“Listen, I’m with a friend, can I call you later?” Steve sighs.

_“What’s he doing?”_

Steve pauses shortly. “Oh, that sounds good. Let’s have dinner later this week, what do you say?”

_“He’s going out for dinner!? All right, call me when you’re alone.”_

“Just like I promised.” Steve replies with a slightly bitter edge to his voice. He ends the call, looking uncomfortable. “That.....that was my brother. I love him, put he can be a real pain in the ass.”

"Trust me, I know how family can be like." Jensen says in understanding and because he thinks that maybe Steve just needs somebody to talk to, he adds, “If you want to, we could meet tomorrow instead. I have a day off.”

“Tomorrow sounds good.” Steve answers and claps his back before descending the stairs, leaving Jensen to stare after him.

~~oOo~~

When Jared opens the door, they both hesitate on how to greet one another. It ends with Jared giving him a kiss on the cheek and a broad grin, deep dimples and all. It's a strange thing that Jared, still a stranger, makes him feel safe and at ease in a way he hadn't thought possible. One smile, one look from him and for a few moments Jensen can forget that his life is anything but a romance novel. He returns the smile and follows Jared into the kitchen. After that it's easy to fall into the relaxed banter that just seems to naturally exist between them.

Now, Jensen sits on the counter top in the kitchen with a glass of red wine in his hand and watches Jared as he chops the vegetables for a salad. The smell of lasagne lingers in the air and the kitchen table is set with cotton napkins and a tablecloth and candles. Jensen is a little more than flustered at the effort Jared has obviously put into this evening. It's really a date then, after all.

“You should let me help you, I feel kind of useless.” he says, picking up a slice of cucumber, eating it.

Jared swats his hand away and shakes his head disapprovingly. “Nuh-uh, I invited you for dinner and that means you are not allowed to help.” he says while scooping the sliced tomatoes into the salad bowl. Taking the washed salad out of the sink he looks over at Jensen, his eyes giving him a quick once over and his mouth turns into a teasing smile. “Just sit there and continue to look gorgeous.”

Jensen huffs, but he can already feel his cheeks going red. He takes a sip from his wine to distract himself and looks down at his tangling feet. 

“You are so cute when you are embarrassed, you know that?” he hears Jared say and he lifts his head to look into a grinning face, though the look Jared gives him is anything but teasing.

“M'not.” he mumbles, cursing inwardly as he feels the heat from his cheeks travel down his neck. _'Like a fucking school girl,'_ he chastises himself and turns away to get the bottle of wine, refilling both their glasses before he settles back.

“Where did you learn to cook?” he asks while Jared was mixing the salad sauce.

“From my momma and my nana. I lived on my own since I was twenty. I mean, a boy’s gotta eat, right? How about you?”

Jensen shakes his head. “My cooking skills are zero. Believe me; you wouldn’t want me near a stove. I always worked hard and late so it was mostly microwave food.”

Jared stops at what he is doing and hesitates a moment but in the end he turns towards Jensen, eyeing him apprehensively. “Jensen, can I ask you something? I mean you don't have to answer and I won't ask you again if you don't want to tell me, but....you talked about being in college and university and working hard and late. You haven't always been a clerk in a book store, have you?”

Jensen stares at him, sorting through his mind to figure as what to tell and how much when Jared bites his lip and looks down. “I mean, you’re not some mafia-type guy that’s in witness protection or something?” he mumbles.

And Jensen can't help but laugh, because that thought is somehow too funny. “God, no.” he manages between gasps. Jared seems relieved that he is not freaking out about the question and watches him with amusement. Growing serious once more, Jensen remembers the promise he had made with himself on the bridge that afternoon; to take one tiny step after the other and start to trust Jared. He clears his throat.

“I did work at a book store when I was at university but you are right. I only took this job as a clerk when I came here. Before that I...I worked with the FBI.”

“You were a Federal Agent? With a gun and everything?” Jared asks wide-eyed.

Jensen shakes his head. “No guns, I hate them and I wasn't a real agent. I worked as a psychologist for the FBI. You know, looking after traumatized victims, assessing agents and providing profiles. The job I have now is nothing like it and that's exactly why I went for it.” Jared nods, taking in the information. Jensen braces himself for the next questions which are sure to come, about Liam and if his death had something to do with his work and he doesn't know if he can go there that soon. But once again, Jared surprises him. 

“Thanks for telling me,” is all he says in a quiet soft voice like he really knows how much Jensen is trusting him with this. Jensen doesn't say anything and just stares at him wondering how Jared can read him so easily. 

Talking about his own part-time job at a garden-centre while he was at college, Jared puts the salad bowl and the sauce on the table and retrieves another pan from the fridge, pulling some of its content into two smaller bowls and putting the pan aside. Jensen looks inside the pan, curiously eyeing what seems to be the dessert, something made out of chocolate. He scoops some of it from the brim of the pan with his fingers to taste it and his eyes widen as he moans appreciatively.

“Oh my God, is this....did you really make Mousse au Chocolat?” he says with awe in his voice as the dark rich aroma pulls at his taste buds. He scoops up a little bit more.

“God, Jensen. If you want to take it slow, you can't do things like that.” Jared's voice sounds husky and Jensen raises his head in confusion. Jared's eyes are darker and the look he is throwing at him causes a whole bunch of butterflies to explode in Jensen’s stomach.

Jensen stares down at his two fingers and leans sideward to rinse them over the sink. “Sorry, I didn't.....sorry,” he mumbles around the lump in his throat, berating himself for acting the way he did, but he had felt so at ease around Jared, like…..yeah, like what exactly, he doesn't know. God, what was he thinking!

“Don't.”

Jared is standing in front of him in less than point two of a second and catches his wrist. Jensen is slightly startled but holds Jared’s gaze, hazel eyes piercing into him, asking him something and he can only nod in response. Jared guides Jensen’s hand up to his face without breaking eye contact and Jensen swallows hard but opens his mouth licking the mousse from his own fingers, sealing his lips over them. Jared groans quietly and Jensen is feeling hot all of a sudden, the atmosphere in the kitchen seems to crackle with tension.

There is a soft pull on his wrist and he follows it. Jared is making Jensen trail his own lips with his fingers, leaving a spit-slick trail behind, before he guides Jensen's hand down into the pan again and Jensen scoops up some more of the mousse and this time Jared brings Jensen’s hand up to his own mouth and Jensen can’t help but moan at the feel of the wet heat that surrounds his fingers once they are in Jared’s mouth. Feeling Jared's tongue licking along the digits, twirling around the tips, pushing between them and Jensen's jeans are getting tighter as his cock starts to swell just from the way Jared is tongue-fucking his damn _fingers._

When Jared releases them with a soft plop, letting his tongue flicker against them one last time, they are still holding on to one another’s gaze until Jensen finally has to look away, feeling a little overwhelmed by all the emotions that are coursing through his body. Jared spreads Jensen’s legs wider with his hands on Jensen’s thighs and steps in to stand between them, nuzzling his neck. 

“You really don't know how hot, how _gorgeous_ you are, do you? What you do to me?” he asks softly, warm breath ghosting over Jensen’s skin and Jensen is tempted to say 'no', because he still can't figure it out what it is that Jared sees in him. But at that moment Jared licks at _that_ spot right under his jaw, a spot he wasn’t even aware of until now and he loses himself, purring like a damn kitten. He pulls away in search for Jared's mouth, because taking it slow is okay, but there was such a thing as too slow, and right now it wasn’t nearly enough.

Jared immediately goes with it, tongue stroking into Jensen's mouth and Jensen always loved Mousse au Chocolat but the fine underlying chocolate note of Jared's kiss mixed with something that Jensen can only identify as _‘pure Jared’_ is so much better. He surrenders himself to Jared's tongue which twists and licks and pushes, repeating in Jensen's mouth what it did earlier to his fingers. 

They break the kiss only to pant softly against each other’s lips and Jared moves his hands behind Jensen, settling them on the small of his back, pulling him closer until Jensen is seated right at the edge of the counter top. Jensen wraps his legs around Jared's waist and pulls Jared in while canting his hips forward and Jensen can feel Jared's erection against his own. He hates himself for letting out that needy, little whimper that escapes his lips at the contact but it seems to be a real turn on for Jared because he growls low against Jensen's mouth and presses himself even closer, strong and certain, providing more friction. Jared manoeuvres his hands under Jensen to cup his ass with his broad palms and Jensen lets himself be pushed and pulled, rocking his hips into Jared.

All it takes is a few moments, their cocks rubbing against each other through layers of denim and he feels his stomach tighten with his oncoming orgasm. It’s embarrassingly quick as they haven't even touched one another. He tries to slow it down, to make it last but judging by the shudder that ripples through Jared's body and the hitched hiss he is making, he isn't that far behind.

Scooting back slightly earns him a confused look but he presses his hand against Jared's crotch and Jared lets out a long, low moan. "Feels so fucking good, just...God, a little harder."

Rubbing the outline of Jared's cock through his jeans, Jensen leans in again and bites and licks at Jared's neck, listening to the noises Jared makes and his heart leaps when he hears his name whispered over and over again until Jared crashes their mouths together while he gives himself over to his orgasm. Jensen is so turned on by watching Jared’s face when he comes that he doesn't even need a hand, just two quick humps against Jared are enough to make him come as well, gasping for air while being kissed thoroughly.

“Holy shit, Jensen.” Jared croaks out, mouthing his jaw, kissing his cheek and Jensen just holds on, trying to put his mind back together as his body quivers and trembles with aftershocks. He hasn’t felt that alive in a long time.

The ting of the oven, makes them both jump slightly and they smile at each other but Jared shakes his head when Jensen is about to ease himself from the counter. “Stay. Don’t move.”

Still a little breathless, he watches how Jared removes the lasagne from the oven and puts some of it on a plate and comes back with a single fork, putting everything down beside them. And that is the way how they have dinner. Jensen sitting on the counter top with Jared standing in between his spread legs, snuggling close and feeding him in turn with incredibly good food and even more delicious kisses.

It is the most strange and unusual, but at the same time wonderful and perfect dinner date Jensen has ever had.

~~oOo~~

Jensen steps out of his bathroom, rubbing a towel through his wet hair when he notices his answering machine shows him a new message. He presses the replay button before he walks into his kitchen to eat some more of the mousse Jared made him take along with him earlier.

“I swear to God, I will glue your cell to your hand if you forget to carry it with you one more fucking time.” Chris’ voice is harsh, urgent and Jensen feels his breath catch in his throat. “Call me ASAP when you are back from wherever the fuck you are.”

He dials Chris number with shaking hands. Whatever it is, he is sure that it is bad. Chris picks up immediately, snarling. “Fuck, Jensen.”

“What the hell is going on?” Jensen interrupts him and Chris pauses a moment before he answers much quieter this time.

“I don’t want you to find out by reading the papers tomorrow. So, promise me to stay calm.”

“Chris!”

“There has been another murder. We found the body due to an anonymous tip…..similar to the ones Davis sent.”

Jensen feels his surroundings start to blur and he sits heavily down on the couch. “No, this can’t……Chris, that’s impossible. I mean, Davis is still in prison, isn’t he?”

“Yes, he is and that’s why I need you to calm down, take a deep breath and relax, okay?”

“What else do you know?”

“Nothing yet. We only got consulted a few hours ago. Jensen, can it be that Davis wasn’t alone in this? That he had a partner?

“As self-centred as he is? I don’t know Chris, I really don’t know.” Jensen rubs his eyes, wondering if he had missed something when he had been working on the case. ”Can you call me, when you have any news? Please, Chris.”

“I will.” There is some incomprehensible cursing in the line before Chris sighs. “Fuck Jenny, why did you have to move away? I mean, how am I supposed to….…..fuck.”

Jensen’s grip tightens on the receiver.

“You can’t always protect me, Chris. I’m not eight anymore,” he replies softly. “And I’m okay, really.”

They both know that he is lying.

~~oOo~~

 

_ Thirteen month ago _

_“What do we have here?” Jensen calls over to Chris ducking under the yellow tape._

_“Young female, about twenty maybe twenty-three, looks like she drowned. There are strangulation marks on her throat though, so it’s not a suicide.”_

_Jensen sighs and follows Chris to a small wooden bridge, stopping in the middle. “He drowned her. Well, that’s new; we haven’t had that one so far.” he comments frustrated as he leans over the handrail to look down into the river and at the body, floating on the surface._

_“Who received the message?”_

_“He sent it to the daily news.” Chris informs him._

_Jensen groans. “Oh great, the headlines tomorrow are going to be lurid.” He turns around and grabs the coffee Tom is holding out for him._

_“So, strangulation and drowning. He killed her face to face. This way he shows his absolute power, the control he has over his victim and their life, he is the one calling the shots and he decides how long the suffering will take before death will come as a release. Gets him off like nothing else.”_

_“Sadistic bastard.” Tom hisses._

_“Sadistic, power and control freak, self-centred, hedonistic. He is a highly intelligent, probably charismatic person. This man is dangerous as hell. And the fact that the time span between each killing is getting shorter makes him even more unpredictable.”_

_Jensen excuses himself when his phone vibrates and he steps a few feet away._

_“Ackles.”_

_“So, what do you think, Mr. Ackles? Isn’t she beautiful?”_

_“Who is this?” Jensen frowns, motioning for Chris to come over. He friend looks at him questioningly._

_“Ahhh, Mr. Ackles, don’t disappoint me, you are too intelligent to ask such an inane question.” A male voice says, smooth and pleasant._

_Jensen eyes widen. “So, I can assume this is your work?” he asks as casual as possible, watching Chris and Tom as they jump in motion, making calls to the tech unit. Jensen is certain that it will be a useless attempt._

_There is a chuckle on the other side of the line, which turns into a sneering laugh._

_“My work now is it? Not just another crime for you to tuck under your cap? Finally able to appreciate the beauty of this piece? I seem to recall that in your article you said that I'm just......what was it….ah yes, 'a highly organized murderer with a disposition for pre-mortem sadism, who needs to dominate his victims in order to feel a sense of control, of ownership, deriving pleasure from inflicting both physical or psychological suffering upon others.' It is a rather harsh and detached way of describing what it is we share, don’t you think? I’m disappointed in you.”_

_Jensen raises an eyebrow. “You are reading the American Psychologist?”_

_“I like to keep a close eye on my friends and my enemies, Mr Ackles. Which do you want to be?”_

_Jensen licks his lips, picking his words carefully, aiming for neutrality. “As much as I’m…..fascinated by your work, your case is really remarkable, we are not exactly on the same page.”_

_“Wise words; truly spoken, Mr. Ackles. Neither fish nor fowl. I knew you would be a challenge.”_

_“If you don’t agree with my assessment, why don’t you tell me where I’m wrong? We both know you didn’t just call me to make small talk. That’s why you contact the newspapers about every victim. You want everybody to know. So, what did I miss?”_

_“Are you trying to play me? Really? It’s not going to work like this. If you can’t see it yourself, then I can’t help you. I have to leave you now, but I will talk to you again, my friend, very soon.”_

_The call disconnects._

_"Jensen?" Tom asks but Jensen doesn't react. In his mind he goes through the conversation again._

_“He said ‘beauty of this piece’” he mumbles to himself and turns around again, staring down into the river and at the latest victim, taking in the white dress she is wearing, the flowers at the river bank, the willow nearby._

_“There is a willow grows aslant a brook,  
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream;  
There with fantastic garlands did she come  
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, and long purples”_

_Jensen recites the quote in a hushed voice and Chris frowns, stepping closer. “What Jensen? What did he say to you?”_

_“Oh my god, that’s fucking Ophelia!” He turns around at Chris, a wicked gleam in his eyes. “He sees his victims as his own personnel piece of art, for him all this is a play and he is the director over life and death, wherein death is the final and inevitable act. That’s why he always wants the bodies to be found. He stages them, creates his own art project and we are his audience. For him it doesn’t matter if they are male or female, blond or brown. They just have to spark his muse. I mean, God,_ they are his muse!” 

_Jensen grabs Chris arm. “Think about it Chris, everybody we interviewed always used words like fascinating or captivating when talking about the victims. They all had something about them that drew people in. He sees them as his inspiration, the leading role in his death play.”_

_“Okay.” Chris says, following Jensen who is already rushing towards the car. “What does that mean for us?”_

_“That means we now have something to work with. The killings are much more personal than I though they were. He knows his victims, establishes a connection before he kills them. Something his sees as a wooing phase. We have to go back to the first one, that blonde girl, that’s where it started and I bet he is someone she knew more closely for a long time. We have to dig deeper, see if there is a connection to the arts. Hell, maybe we talked to him already.”_

_Chris eyes him closely. “What about Liam and your trip with him together.”_

_Jensen is so caught up in his train of thought that he doesn’t hear him. “We better hurry, I bet he has already made contact with his next victim.”_

~~oOo~~

Blinking against sleep, still holding his body in a strong, foggy embrace, Jensen needs some time to process that he passed out on his couch, lying on his stomach with his head resting uncomfortably on one of the cushions. He shifts carefully to avoid any more strain on his neck but groans all the same at the pain that shoots down his spine. He sinks down into the cushion again, licking his dry lips.

It takes a long time for him to figure what was causing the prickling sensation along his skin, something was wrong. He needs another few seconds to clear his sleep-addled brain enough to realize what it is.

No light except for the pale streaks of the moon that seep through the half-closed curtains. He is sure the light was on when he sat down.

And then there is a deafening quietness. No clock ticking from the wall, no buzzing sound of the fridge, no noises drifting through the open patio doors. Nothing; absolutely nothing. If silence had a colour, right now it would be pitch-black. He swallows, props up on his elbows, something is definitely wrong. 

That's when he hears it.

Breathing.

It's not him, it's _behind_ him; somebody else breathing.

All his hairs are standing up on end and his eyes widen, darting from left to right as he listens carefully for any movements but there is nothing except the breathing. And it's close, too close. He doesn't want to, tells himself not to turn around, not to look. But it's like a law of nature and he moves his head slowly, just a little, to glance behind him.

There is a tall, shadowy figure, towering over the couch with its head slightly bowed, looking down on him. It holds something in its hand, a long, slim object, glistening in the moonlight. Though he can't make out any more details he knows, just knows, that it's _him._

His own breath hitches, his heart stops for a second only to pick up at double speed again, pumping adrenaline through his veins, panic and fear crashing down on him, taking control. He springs into action, pushes himself up to get off of the couch and away but suddenly there is a vice-like grip around his ankle jerking him backwards. He loses his balance and he starts to fall, his chin hitting the edge of the coffee table. He lies on the floor, panting, cold fingers still digging painfully into the skin around his ankle. His face hurts like hell and he needs a moment to focus again. 

“Now, now, don't you hurt yourself, we can’t have that. You, my friend, are going to be a masterpiece.” 

Jensen screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that I have absolutely nothing against trashy novels, hell, I write trash myself!!
> 
> Jensen is quoting Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’
> 
> One of my favourite paintings is **John Everett Millais' Ophelia** , it is on display at the Tate Gallery in London. This picture gave me the first idea for the serial killer. Have a look at it on the internet, it's really creepy and yet beautiful.


	7. I breathe the morning with you

Jared is about to turn off the lights and go to bed when a scream cuts through the silence of the night, chilling him to the bone and leaving an uneasy feeling behind. Two quick steps and he is out on the balcony, scanning the street below for the source when a second scream reaches his ear and his head snaps to the side and to Jensen's apartment. The patio doors are open and without thinking about it, he climbs over the railing and enters Jensen's living room, looking around.

The room is empty and from what Jared can see, everything seems to be normal. The reading lamp beside the couch casts a soft light and there is a half filled glass of wine on the coffee table next to an open book and glasses. The rest of the apartment lies in silent darkness. 

Obviously he was mistaken and he shakes his head, laughing quietly at himself at how ridiculous he must look to stand uninvited in Jensen's apartment in the middle of the night with just some pyjama trousers on. He turns around to head back into his own apartment, contemplating if he should tell Jensen about his 'heroic' attempt when he hears another noise. Taking a few hesitant steps in the direction of Jensen's bedroom he stops in front of the half-closed door, listening closely. It sounds like somebody is crying. No, not somebody, _Jensen._

He runs his hands through his hair, not knowing what to do but in the end he pushes the door open carefully, peering inside. In the light falling through from the living room he can make out the bed and the slumped form that lies on it, curled up in itself, shaking with every sob. It breaks his heart.

“Jensen?” he whispers, taking a step into the room. He can see Jensen tense seconds before he lets out a terrified noise and half falls, half crawls from the bed, knocking the alarm clock from the night stand on his way. Jensen turns around and stares at him while crawling further back, putting as much distance between them as possible. He only stops when his back hits the wall. 

Jared curses himself when he realizes that Jensen can't see his face with the light coming from behind him and that his half-naked state does not inspire much confidence. He kneels down on the floor making himself smaller and as he hopes less threatening. "Jensen, it's me, Jared. I heard you scream and I climbed over the balcony to see if you were okay,” he explains as soothingly as he can, “Can you tell me that? Are you okay?”

“Jared? I don't understand.” Jensen looks around and lets out a hysterical half-laugh. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to make sure you were alright. Are you alright, Jensen?” Jared asks again, he stands up and walks over to Jensen, kneeling down in front of him. He takes in Jensen's wide eyes, red-rimmed and wet from tears and there is a bruise forming on his chin, his lower lip oozing some blood.

“God, Jensen. What happened?” Jared's voice is still calm and soft and he raises his hand to tilt Jensen's head carefully upwards into the light, examining the damage.

“I don’t know. I had a nightmare. I probably crashed into the night stand. I can't really remember any of it.” Jensen whispers, his panic still evident in the way he stutters out the words. He tries to bite back the tears that threaten to fall. But when Jared moves his thumb gently over his lower lip to wipe away the blood a sob escapes him. He leans his face into the support Jared's hand offers and Jared can feel the tears now run freely.

“Hey, shhh. It's okay.” he pulls a pliant Jensen forward and almost into his lap, cradling him protectively.

“Nothing is okay. He won't leave me alone. Never. God, I'm scared, I'm always so scared and I'm just so tired of it. I just....I want to sleep but whenever I close my eyes......All I want is my life back, is that to much too ask? I try to get back some control but no matter what I do, it seems that he will always be there. I've never had a dream of him that didn't include the forest or the cabin and now he's here, right here in my living room. I'm not safe anywhere. I will never be safe and I don't know what to do Jared, I don't know.

Not all of what Jensen stutters out between sobs and hiccups makes sense to Jared so he keeps quiet and simply continues to offer his silent support, stroking over Jensen's back in slow, soothing motions, creating a hypnotic rhythm for both of them. When Jensen finally calms down, his breathing gets slower and the sobs ebb away, Jared moves slightly to make eye contact, smiling softly. He can feel Jensen shiver. If it is from exhaustion or from being on the floor for too long, it doesn't matter. His own leg starts to fall asleep from his kneeling position and it's time to get them more comfortable. 

“Come on, it’s cold down here, let's get you back to bed. Do you have ice? Or something else, so that we can cool your chin and lip?”

Jensen shakes his head, his voice raw. “Jared, you don't have to....”

“Yes I have to. I'm not leaving you alone when you look like a frightened rabbit, so you better get used to it.” Jared cuts him off. There is a surprised look on Jensen's face but he disentangles himself from Jared and climbs back into his bed, sinking in with a tired sigh. Somehow Jared manages to hold himself back and to not grab the blanket to tuck him in.

“I have some ice in the freezer and there are towels in the upper left cupboard.” Jensen says quietly. 

“I'll be right back.”

Finding everything he needs in the kitchen Jared is about to wrap several ice cubes in a towel when his hands suddenly start to shake. He lets go of the towel and grabs the edge of the counter, taking a deep breath. He wonders what he got himself into, if he is really the right person to deal with someone who must have lived through something so horrific. Whatever it was that happened a year ago it is obvious that Jensen is still suffering from it. However closed-off Jensen may be about those past events, Jared is smart enough to know that there is more to it than just the death of Jensen's boyfriend. He doesn't even know if he ever wants Jensen to tell him about it.

He takes another deep breath and pulls himself together, heading back to the bedroom but stops at the door for a moment. Even if he isn't sure what he is doing here, walking away is not an option, because the man lying over there in the bed and staring out of the window and into the night brings out every protective fibre of Jared's being. Jensen turns to him when he steps closer to sit down on the bed.

He offers another smile. “Here, it should help a little.”

Jensen takes the self-made cooling pad out of Jared's hands and holds it against his chin. “Thank you." He leans back and closes his eyes. "For everything.”

“Nah. You should try to get some more sleep.” Jared replies and after a moment of hesitation he reaches out to stroke tenderly over Jensen's arm and shoulder.

“Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"When you go, can you please leave the bedroom door open and the reading lamp on?”

“I can do that, Jensen, but I'm not leaving.” Jensen opens his eyes and stares at Jared. He is about to say something but Jared shakes his head, mouth set firmly. "No way I'm leaving you alone like this."

He prepares himself for an argument but Jensen studies him quietly and in the end he simply nods and rolls over to one side of the bed, making room. Jared smiles and lies down beside Jensen, facing him. He spreads his arms invitingly. When Jensen doesn't follow, he tilts his head. "Are you coming?"

Jensen frowns. “I may have lost it a little back there but--”

“--but there is no harm in having someone close, is there?” Jared raises his brows expectantly, aiming for a stern gaze he hopes his momma would be proud off. Jensen just keeps looking at him with a strange expression and after a few more seconds Jared opts for a pout. Maybe it will do the job.

"Please." he says.

Some of the tension seems to fall off from Jensen. His eyes are still puffy and he is way too pale but there is also an amused smile tucking at the corner of his mouth. He shakes his head but complies, arranging himself until he lies with his back against Jared's chest, head resting on Jared's arm. It’s quiet between them for a long time, but it’s a comfortable quietness. The sheets are soft and warm and Jared likes having Jensen this close to him, despite the circumstances. He can feel Jensen’s chest expand under his arm as he takes a deep breath.

“You know." Jensen says with a flat, quiet voice. "Many children are afraid of the dark; it is a normal part of development. Mostly, it is an expression of their fear of unfamiliar things that they don’t understand or can’t control. When they grow up, they lose that fear because they learn that nothing lurks in the dark waiting for them and that they can control the darkness by turning on a light.”

“When I was four or five I was convinced that there was a monster living under my bed and that it would come out as soon as my mom turned off the light for the night.” Jared tells him, feeling that he should say something.

There is another long pause. Jensen's breath hitches and when he speaks again, it is barely a whisper. “I was with Liam that day. It was me the killer, his name is Davis, wanted and he almost succeeded. I died, Jared. And when I did, there.......there was absolutely nothing, no light at the end of a tunnel, no loved ones waiting for me, no warmth surging my body. All I remember is the pain and fear and a darkness so cold, so bottomless, so….”

Jensen shudders and Jared makes a soothing noise. He tightens his hold and pulls Jensen even closer. “I wasn’t in control of anything, I was absolutely helpless.”

“I’m sorry, Jensen. I’m so sorry. I wish....” Jared swallows around the lump in his throat. He doesn't know what to do. "I'm sorry." is all he can offer again.

Jensen huffs. It's a quiet, rather bitter sound. “That day left me with a scar on my abdomen I can barely look at. I have nightmares and I fear the darkness. Guess I turned into a five year old again. I’m such a mess.”

Jared shakes his head vehemently. “No, you’re not. When I look at you I see someone smart and funny and gorgeous and I….” he stops himself before he could say something that would maybe be too much, too soon. 

“You are here. Whatever happened that day, you survived.“ He places his hand flat over Jensen’s heart, feeling it pulse against his palm. “Your heart is still beating and it will heal just like everything else does. And do you want to know what makes me so sure about it? Because you’re strong and because you’re not alone. If you let me, I'll be there for you.”

Jensen stays silent. “But it will not be easy. _I’m_ not easy.” he finally says quietly. He cranes his neck and searches Jared’s face. “We barely know each other. Why do you want to do that to yourself? When you could just walk away?”

What could he possibly say to a question like this? Jared places a soft, careful kiss to Jensen’s cheek but otherwise shrugs his shoulders. “Try to get some sleep. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” The deep green of Jensen’s curious but hopeful eyes makes him add silently, _‘Even if I wanted to, it’s too late.’_

Jared continues to stroke Jensen’s arm and he can feel how Jensen relaxes further against him, his head growing heavier until the towel finally slips out of his hand and his breath evens out. Jared removes the towel from the bed and rests his head against Jensen’s, burying his nose in the other man’s neck. His head is full of thoughts and disturbing images and it takes him a long time before he finally falls asleep.

~~oOo~~

When Jared wakes up it is still dark outside and the bed beside him is empty. He can hear Jensen’s murmured voice drifting over from the living room. He gets up to find him with his back to the room, looking outside while he speaks to somebody on the phone.

“Don’t be evasive, Chris. Did you or did you not arrange for a police patrol to be placed in front of the house? Because I can see them.” There is a pause before Jensen snorts. “Oh please, come on. Don’t you think they have better things to do than to babysit me?”

“You need to stop that.” Jensen says insistently. “Stop being so damn over-protective. There is no need to get me any protection. You said it yourself that the FBI isn’t even sure if there is a connection between Davis and the last killing. And I need something that resembles normality, Chris. I can’t live in fear all the time. Besides..…” he stops and pokes at the curtain “I-I wasn’t alone last night.”

“Yes, that means that somebody was here.” Jared can literally see Jensen’s eye-roll. He is about to turn around and head back to the bedroom when Jensen’s speaks again. “He is amazing, Chris. He…..I can’t even describe what he is. He knocked me off my feet the second I first saw him. I guess…..I never felt like this before……not this fast and not this intense.” 

There was a smile in Jensen’s voice and Jared grabs the doorframe tighter. Though he feels bad at having overheard Jensen’s private confession it is good to know that it isn’t just him who feels that strong connection between them. He can’t help but grin and hurries back into the bedroom and waits a minute. When he heads to the living room once more, he makes sure to produce enough noise so that Jensen will notice him.

“Good morning.” Jensen greets him, putting the phone away.

“Morning? The sun hasn’t even come up yet. How are you awake already?”

“I couldn’t sleep anymore.” Jensen’s eyes drop down to Jared’s naked torso and linger there a moment before looking away again. 

Feeling a little exposed, Jared clears his throat. He closes the distance between them and carefully tilts Jensen’s head back, taking in the dark blue bruise. He is glad to see that the swelling has gone down. “God, that must have been a horrible nightmare.” he says softly, leaving the ‘You know that I’m here if you want to talk about it.’ unspoken.

“Are you sure you’re not a reincarnation of Florence Nightingale or something?” Jensen replies teasingly.

"Wearing some nurse uniform?" Jared nods consideringly. "Oh, I think I could totally pull that off."

Jensen lets out a startled laugh. "You are crazy." he says but at the same time eyeing him closely. He bites his lips and looks out of the window before his eyes settle back on Jared. “Normally I can handle those dreams better but yesterday my best friend called with some bad news about the case. There had been another murder. Guess it threw me off a little.” he shrugs his shoulders as if a bruised chin and a cut lip is nothing and Jared hates it.

“Are you in danger!?”

“No. Davis is in prison and......no.” he shakes his head firmly. “I just wish I could leave everything behind for just one day. Hell, even just a few hours would be nice. But I guess that's not possible.”

Jared tilts his head and thinks about it. When he comes up with the perfect solution a broad smile appears on his face. Jensen's eyes narrows in suspicion. “What is it?”

“Uh, nothing. Pull something on your feet and meet me outside in five minutes. And bring a blanket.” Jared says excitedly, already heading towards the front door with Jensen following behind.

“What? Why?”

“Nuh-uh. I'm not gonna tell you.” Jared opens the front door and turns around, beaming at Jensen.

“Jared, come on. Where are we going?” Jensen asks with a laugh.

“Away. Now, hurry up and don't make me wait.” Jared closes the door behind him. Not more than 30 seconds later he knocks and smiles sheepishly as a confused Jensen opens the door.

“That's not five minutes, Jared”

“Uh, yeah.” Jared feels his cheeks flush. "I need to.....gotta..." he gestures into the hallway and at his apartment and then towards Jensen's living room. Jensen stares at him a moment and then comprehension dawns on his face. He steps aside with a chuckle to let Jared in.

Jared walks to the balcony. “Give me five minutes.” he mumbles before he climbs over the railing to get back into his own apartment.

~~oOo~~

 

_ Thirteen months ago _

_Jensen sits in his favourite coffee shop, near the office building, nursing his coffee._

_“Uh-huh, do I detect bad mood vibes?” Chris slumps into the seat opposite Jensen and eyes him for a moment. “What’s wrong?”_

_“Maybe I should stay here. I mean, this is my case, Chris.”_

_“The last time I checked, there was the FBI logo on the file and not your family crest.” Chris says teasingly. Jensen gives him an angry glare and huffs._

_“You really should pack your bags and go on up to the cabin, to Liam.”_

_“Yeah well, about that.” Jensen mumbles and pushes the coffee cup away. “He gave me like a two day ultimatum to meet him there.”_

_Chris sighs. “And that was when?”_

_“Three days ago.” Jensen replies reluctantly._

_“What is it about this case, that it could make you just throw your relationship away for it?”_

_“I don’t know.” Jensen licks his lips “It’s just…..It feels like a challenge. This guy thinks he is so brilliant and so clever but he's not.”_

_“You mean not for you?”_

_Jensen shrugs his shoulder and stares out of the window. “He's just a puzzle that needs to be solved. And yeah, I admit it, it’s a fascinating one at that. But by calling me he made a big mistake. He was too self-assured and thereby he gave too much away.”_

_“And you did a good job with that profile. Now, leave the rest to us because this is_ our _job.”_

_Jensen looks doubtfully at Chris. “You think Liam will even listen to me if I show up there?”_

_“He loves you, sure he will.”_

_Jensen stares at the table top with a slight frown on his face. "You are right." he admits with a sigh. “Pines Lake is it then. I'll go this afternoon.”_

_“Excuse me, Sir. May I trouble you for a moment?” a hoarse voice says behind him. Jensen turns around to look at the elder man at the next table. Thick glasses framing a bearded face and his hair and clothes are crumpled. He reminds Jensen of one of those scatterbrained professors at university. “I couldn’t help but overhear your last sentence. Helen and me, Helen is my wife, we met at Pines Lake and as our 25th wedding anniversary draws nearer it would be such a wonderful surprise to go there, don’t you think?”_

_Jensen throws Chris an amused smile before he turns back to the man. “I guess so, but how can I help you?”_

_“Oh, it's been such a long time since then. I just wondered if you might be able to tell me in what conditions the cabins are. You know, one is not getting any younger and must have a look out for such things. Are the cabins close to each other or more secluded?”_

_“I've only been up there just the once before but there are cabins closer to the lake and some that are situated more uphill and into the woods. I can’t say anything about the first ones, but the cabins uphill are relatively spread out. But the facilities are very good.”_

_The man leans closer, smiling at Jensen and patting his arm. “I thank you so much, young man. My Helen will be thrilled.” He stands up and leaves some bills on the table._

_“I wish you a pleasant trip.” he says before he leaves._

_“Well, thank you, Sir.” Jensen replies just as polite and turns back to Chris. They look at each other for a moment before they burst into laughter._

_“That guy was weird.”_

_“Yeah.” Chris says, still chuckling. “But did you see the back of his neck? Such an old-fashioned type of guy and he is to have a tattoo.”_

_“Like I said, weird.”_

~~oOo~~

It's still before sunrise but the sky already changed its colour to a pale blue. They are huddled together on one of the lounge chairs on the roof garden. Jared half sits, half lies with his back against the armrest, his legs spread to accommodate Jensen who rests with his back against him. Two blankets are draped over them to protect them against the slight morning chill. Jensen sighs contently and pulls Jared's arms closer around him.

Jared grins and tightens his hold, Jensen's hair tickles against his cheek. “Good?” he asks quietly.

“Perfect. You created an amazing place up here, Jared.”

They watch in silence as the first peak of the sun appears on the horizon, little streaks that bathe the few clouds present into a golden orange. It really is perfect. Jared is a little surprised when suddenly Jensen turns his head and rubs his cheek against his shirt before he shifts around and starts to straddle his legs.

“Hey, you're gonna miss the sunrise.” he states a little confused.

Jensen sinks slowly down on Jared's thighs and scoots closer. Catching Jared's eyes before he leans down and he whispers against his lips. “Right now, I see everything I want to see.” 

Without noticing it, Jared's hands come up to wrap around Jensen's hips. “Be careful, your lip....” is all he can say before he has Jensen's tongue inside his mouth, winding wickedly around his own and all he can do it to tighten his grip and to moan softly. Jensen rolls his hips and Jared’s breath gets caught in his throat. “Oh my God, Jen.” he gasps.

Jensen breaks the kisss.

“What?”

“My name, say it again.”

And Jared does, cradles Jensen head and holds him in place, lets the vowels drip from his mouth, before he kisses him again. 

“I like it, it sounds nice.” Jensen says, smiling. He takes his time to rub his hands up and down Jared's arms and to squeeze his biceps, digging his fingers into the firm muscles. He pulls himself up on his knees, looking down at Jared.

“Raise your hips.”

Jared licks his lips, trying to comprehend what is going on. His cock however has ideas of its own, straining against its clothed prison. He complies and Jensen grabs the waistband of his sweatpants, pulling them down just far enough so that Jared's cock and balls are exposed. Jensen leans forward for another kiss while he pulls his own pants down to his knees and sits back down on Jared's lap.

“Oh fuck.” Jared curses. He looks down, where their cocks slide together, swollen and already wet at the tips.

“Give me your hand, Jared.” Jensen smiles and reaches up to entwine their fingers, bringing them down between them.

“Jensen.” Jared says warily, his brain finally catching up a bit.

Insecurity flickers in Jensen's eyes and he loosens his hold on Jared's hand. Blushing deeply he suddenly looks lost. “I'm sorry, I thought....”

“No Jen. God, I want this. Believe me I do. But......” Jared trails off. He has no idea how to explain that after last night he feels as if he would be taking advantage of Jensen's vulnerability. His head tries to be reasonable while his lower body screams at him to just take what he wants.

Jensen places wet kisses along Jared's jaw, whispering seductively. “I want this, too. Please Jared, let me be close to you.” He spreads his legs further, pressing himself even more into Jared's lap. “Make me feel, make me feel alive.”

He leans back then, looking at Jared with lust-blown eyes. The rising sun casts its light over him, makes his face look so soft and smooth and his hair so golden, just like that morning on Jensen's balcony a few days ago. And damn, but Jared is just a human being. “God, you are so fucking beautiful. The things I wanna do with you.” he hears himself say, his voice raw with need.

He pulls at Jensen's hand and they close their joined hands around both their cocks. His other hand finds its place on the small of Jensen's back, keeping him close. The whimper Jensen lets out goes straight to his cock and Jared leans up, taking another kiss. They start to move their hands, uncoordinated at the beginning but soon finding a rhythm, sliding up and down their lengths in synchronicity, fast but not hurried, firm but not painful. Jared thinks it's sinfully perfect and he never wants it to stop, wants to savour every spark of pleasure that heats up his body and melts his brain.

“Talk to me, Jared. Tell me what you wanna do with me.” Jensen’s plea makes Jared almost come there and then. He swears softly.

He scoots his hand over Jensen's back up to his neck and tilts Jensen's head so that his mouth is close to Jensen's ear. "So many things. Wanna do them all." He licks around the shell. “I want to kiss and lick every part of your body, map you out with my tongue and my mouth. I want to lay you out naked and spread wide open so that I can see every inch of you. I want to suck bruises into the skin on your inner thighs. Then I'll use my fingers to get you ready. But I'll take my time, making you writhe and tremble below me. And I wont stop until you beg and whimper for more. Plead with me to get inside of you.” Jared stops with a groan as Jensen tightens the grip of his hand around their cocks. 

“Fuck, Jared.”

”You like that thought, Jen?” Jared asks, his voice gone husky and soft. He takes the earlobe in between his teeth, biting down gently. “When I finally take you, I will do it really, _really_ slow, inch by inch, split you open and while I make you take all of me I want to hear you. I bet you make all kinds of incredibly sweet noises.”

Jensen's rhythm falters.

~~oOo~~

While Jared whispers all kinds of things into Jensen's ear, naughty things he never thought he would say to anybody and thereby bringing both of them closer to the edge, another tenant of their apartment house stares out of his window and into the same morning sky.

Three floors below, Steve stands in his kitchen with a cup of coffee in one hand and his phone in the other. “His name is Jared Padalecki. He is his neighbour. 29 years old and from San Antonio. Jared is a landscaper with a local company. But.....he is a good kid. There is no need to--” Steve sighs. “Yeah, alright.”


	8. When heaven calls, hell beckons

Jensen steps out of the shower stall and wraps a towel around his waist, clouds of steam wafting through the air. He checks his watch placed beside the sink and cusses as he realizes how late it already is. This is Jared's big day, the opening ceremony of the lakeside area at the Botanical garden but thanks to an unexpected staff meeting about how to handle the release of the next book from Stephenie fucking Meyer he won’t make it on time now.

It doesn't matter how much Jared tries to play it down, he had put a lot of passion and commitment into the project and and he had been working hard as of late, putting in a lot of extra hours to accomplish everything right on time. And today when the public can finally admire what Jared and his company had created, Jensen wants to be there for him, wants to be with him. That's the least he can do.

The last few weeks have been wonderful and so different from all those months before, brighter and happier. Jensen can't even recall the last time he went to the movies or to a fair or played mini golf or just made out on the couch with his clothes still on. It is like being back in high school all over again. It is ridiculous and pathetic but Jensen loves every fucking minute he spends either with Jared alone or together with him and his friends. There are moments when he watches Jared and he asks himself quietly how on earth he can be so lucky. Jared is amazing; his heart as large and beautiful as the rest of him.

The night Jared climbed over the balcony to look after him hadn't been the last one they spent together and it frightens him a little how much better his nights are with Jared at his side. Just to be able to feel his presence and to soak up his body heat, listening to his breathing when he himself can't find any sleep is working miracles. He still has nightmares but when he wakes up and Jared is there, wrapping him in his arms and murmuring comforting nonsense, most of those nights he is able to settle down enough to fall asleep again. 

Thinking about the morning they had spent together on the rooftop Jensen is still mortified at how needy and straightforward he must have come across but he had been so lonely for so long and he wanted to feel that he was still there, still alive. Since then nothing more has happened and Jensen knows that it is entirely his decision and not Jared's to keep things between them at a standstill. Jared assured him more than once that they can take it as slow as he needs it to be and that he is perfectly happy with just having him close. Jensen is sure that Jared means what he says but he can also feel his longing gaze on him when they are together and how he tries to keep himself in check.

He sighs and towels his hair. Clearing the mirror with his hands he takes a step back and stares at his own reflection. His eyes travel over his face and further across his chest, lower and lower until they freeze on one particular spot right above the towel line. The hot water of the shower has turned his skin slightly pink, making his scar even more prominent. His hand moves without him even noticing and with trembling fingers he traces the red and bulging patch that runs across the left side of his abdomen.

Five days ago they spent the evening huddled together on Jared’s couch watching a DVD and by the time the credits scrolled over the screen Jensen couldn't even remember what film he had just watched. He lay on top of Jared, taking in the fact how perfect their bodies moulded into each other. He was panting heavily, his lips were chapped and swollen from all the kisses they had shared and the air between them was charged with sexual tension. His whole body hummed pleasantly and one look into Jared’s heated and lust-filled eyes told him that he felt exactly the same. He was acutely aware of Jared’s broad hands spread out on his back and just the image of those hands travelling all over his body made him swallow hard. He licked his lips and locked his gaze on Jared.

“Jen, can I?” Jared had asked with a little whisper and had reached for the hem of his shirt and Jensen wanted, God he wanted so much. He nodded and Jared slid his hands under the fabric and placed them on his back and just this simple touch of Jared’s hands made Jensen shiver, causing goosebumps to travel up his back towards his neck.

Jared’s hands followed the trail of raised skin, teasing fingertips that circle his spine and Jensen could feel the need in each one of those caressing motions. Broad palms stroke across his shoulder blades and down his side again. Jared’s hands felt amazing, a wonderful mixture of calloused patches and soft skin, strong and gentle at the same time. Jared removed one hand from his body to cup his jaw, rubbing his thumb back and forth and Jensen let his eyes fall closed as he breathed into the touch. He leaned forward to take Jared’s mouth in for another kiss and Jared hummed against his lips, a soft vibrating sound full of pleasure.

' _God, you are so perfect_ ' Jared had whispered against his skin and if Jensen hadn’t been so preoccupied with fusing their mouths together again he would have disagreed and said that it is not him but Jared who makes the moment so wonderful and perfect. 

But perfect moments don’t last forever.

Jared stroked down the whole length of his side, resting his hand on Jensen's hip and suddenly his thumb grazed his abdomen near the scar. Panicked, Jensen froze to the spot, not moving at all for a few seconds before he pulled off and away with a gasp. Jared followed him, saying his name and grabbing his arm, confused and concerned. 

“I'm sorry, Jared. I thought I could do it, that I was ready but I'm not. I'm sorry.” Jensen apologized. 

Jared pulled him in again and held him close and told him that it doesn't matter. But Jensen could feel Jared's erection poking against his thigh and felt his own arousal tightening his jeans and he buried his head into Jared's neck, angry and frustrated that he wasn't able to give Jared and himself what both of them wanted.

The more rational side of him tells him that there is no need to be afraid, that Jared is not someone who would be disgusted by a scar but he can't know for sure and it's hard to be reasonable when he loathes that part of his body so vehemently. As much as he wants to believe in everything that Jared’s looks and touches tell him, he still waits for the moment when Jared will see him for the screwed up person he truly is, and nothing more. Because when he looks inside of himself, he finds that there isn't much to see.

~~oOo~~

Jared strolls over to the huge lawn located at one side of the lake where his friends have settled down, waiting for him to join them for the fireworks. He waves from afar and checks his watch with a slight frown when he can't find Jensen amongst them.

“Hey guys.” he greets his friends when he is close enough and after Sandy lets out an indignant huff he quickly adds with a laugh “And of course, hey ladies.”

“Which ladies?” Chad mutters under his breath only to get punched by Danneel.

"Ouch. Damn.” he rubs his upper arm and glares at her. “Woman, your punch just confirms my theory.” He scrambles to his feet with a yelp when Danneel launches herself at him.

Jared drops down on the blanket with a groan. “God, somebody shoot me please. That was so exhausting.” 

“Exhausting? Dude, you just had to shake the mayor's hand and smile for the camera. I can't see anything exhausting in that.” Mike says. “Besides, you looked like a dork.”

“Oh fuck you, Mike. I’m wearing a freaking suit, what do you expect?” Jared complains and examines the food they brought along more closely. 

“Can I have Cheesecake, please?” he whines, giving Sandy his best kicked puppy look while loosening his tie with an over-dramatic gesture.

“Awww, poor baby.” Sandy coos mockingly but picks a plate and scoops up a slice, handing it over to him. 

Jared leans forward to place a wet peck to her cheek. “Thanks darling.” he drawls.

“Ewww, Jared.” she wrinkles her nose and rubs her face, making him snicker in response.

“Speaking off. Where is your darling, Jared?” Chad asks laughingly as he struggles to keep Danneel off.

Jared checks his watch again and lets his eyes sweep searchingly over the crowded place. “I have no idea.” he finally says and fumbles for his cell. “And don't call him that.”

“Well, he is your darling, isn’t he?” Sandy asks and suddenly he has the curious attention of Mike and Steve as well and like always, Jared has no idea what to answer. So far they haven’t talked about what they are, Jensen’s decision and not his and he can only play along and wait and hope that at some point Jensen will find the courage to give them a real chance.

“As if I would tell you.” he mutters and retrieves his cell from his pocket. He flips it open and is about to scroll for Jensen's number when he notices a new text message. 

_Sorry. F***ing work. Will be late. Looking forward seeing you. Jen_

He stares at the display and smiles absent-mindedly when he registers that Mike is talking to him. “Mmmh?”

“God, you are so smitten.” Mike groans, shaking his head in faked exasperation.

Jared flips him off and reads the message again. _Looking forward seeing you._ That single line makes his heart swell with happiness and damn, Mike is so right, he is absolutely and totally enamoured.

Steve leans closer, studying him. “Jokes aside. How are things between you and Jensen?” He sounds a little too serious for all the playful bickering normally going on and Jared turns to face him.

“Why?” he asks.

Steve chews on his bottom lip. "Just wondering." he says with a shrug, like it's nothing and that's complete bullshit. 

“Steve? Why do you ask?”

“Jensen has gone through a lot. I-I mean….not that I know much about it. It just seems that he did.” Steve stops and looks away, focusing his attention on two little kids that chase around the lawn.

“Is there something you wanna tell me?" Jared asks, voice gone a little cold. "Think I should keep away because not everything is sunshine and roses? Come on, Steve.”

“You should know that I would never advise you to do something like that.” Steve shakes his head and looks at Jared again, soft and scrutinizing at the same time. “Don't get me wrong. I really do like Jensen. But you…..you are always very….intense in everything you do, your relationships are no exception. You live them with your head and your heart and every part of your being. Do you think Jensen is in this with the same intensity as you? I just don’t want you to get too involved and then get hurt, that's all. Just be careful, for both of you, okay?”

Jared wonders where all this is coming from and he stares at his friend in puzzlement when Mike leans over and nudges his arm to get his attention.

“Look, Jensen is here.”

His eyes follow the direction Mike is pointing at and spots Jensen where he stands at the waterside, looking amazing as always. Currently he is talking animatedly to another guy. Another _good-looking_ guy, Jared notices with his brows furrowed. The way Jensen laughs out loud and pads him on the shoulder with utter familiarity makes Jared grit his teeth. So far, he hasn't seen Jensen behave so open outside the little circle of people living at their apartment house. Normally, he wouldn’t pay that much attention but Steve’s words have him on edge and maybe it isn’t such a good idea to follow the urge to stake his claim but before he even realizes it he has already made his way over and stands beside Jensen, a little bit closer than he usually would, and places his hand on his back. 

“Hey, there you are.” Jared greets him warmly before he focuses on the man Jensen is talking to. He is aware of the fact that his smile dims a little but he can’t help it. Just like the fact that he stands a little bit taller than usual, pulling himself up to his full height.

With one eyebrow raised, Jensen throws him a questioning glance but Jared notices with satisfaction that he doesn’t move away and even leans slightly into the hand on his back. “Jared, this is Colin, a colleague of mine. Colin, this is Jared, my….neighbour and a good friend.”

_Neighbour and a good friend._ Jared mouth tightens as he shakes Colins hand, squeezing it firmly. 

“Nice to meet you Colin.” he says, wincing silently at how unfriendly he sounds. “So, are you here alone?”

“No, I came with some friends.” Colin answers, looking at him clearly confused.

"Well, I hope you'll have a great evening." Jared says and turns to Jensen again. “We should head over to the others. The fireworks will start soon and you should try at least some of the food the girls brought along.”

"And we really don't want to let them wait, right?" Jensen's tone is teasing but he steps away from Jared's touch at the same time. He says his goodbyes to Colin. It sounds a little as if he is apologizing for Jared's behaviour and Jared feels like a scolded puppy. He smiles ruefully at Colin and starts to guide Jensen towards their friends but after a few steps is held back by Jensen’s hand on his arm. He turns to face him.

“You know, Colin is a very nice guy _and_ he is married and has a little girl.” Jensen says.

“Uh, well, Jen….”

Jensen steps closer and tilts his head, eyeing him closely. “No need to go all alpha male on me.”

Jared shakes his head in protest. “It wasn’t like that, I didn’t…..”

“Jared, your back-off-vibes were unmistakable. The poor guy probably would have thrown a white flag if he had one.”

Jared is about to protest again when he takes in the pleased, almost smug expression Jensen tries to hide so unsuccessfully. “You liked it.” he states instead, “You fucking _liked_ it!”

Being caught, it’s now Jensen who squirms and blushes deeply. He looks down and takes a deep breath before he meets Jared’s gaze. “It’s always nice to know you're wanted.”

Jared shakes his head and makes an exasperated noise. He steps forward and into Jensen’s personal space, backing him against a nearby tree, pinning him there with his body. 

“You should know by now that I want you, Jen. All of you.” 

“Sometimes, it’s just hard for me to believe that.”

“Well, I guess we have to work on that then.” Jared leans forward but stops inches from Jensen’s mouth.

“I know we are in public.“ He throws a quick glance towards their friends. “And the others are watching us. But please tell me that I can kiss you. Let me show you and all these people around us how much I want you.“ _That you are mine_ he adds silently.

“Yeah, you can kiss me. You are such a big ape.” Jensen replies teasingly.

“Yours, just yours.” Jared huffs and seals their lips together and he presses himself closer against Jensen as his tongue slides into his mouth. When he breaks the kiss, he lets his forehead rest against Jensen’s. 

“I know I promised not to push you but I need to know what we are Jen. You gotta give me something.“ He leans back and opens his eyes to look into Jensen's. “I’m beyond head over heels for you and I don’t want to be just your neighbour or a good friend.” 

He clears his throat and looks away, thinking about what Steve said. “I just want to know that I'm not only there to chase your nightmares away. Guess you’re not the only one who is afraid that he gets hurt.”

“It seems I’m about to make the same mistakes all over again.” Jensen says more to himself but loud enough for Jared to hear. He smiles sadly as his hands come up to clasp Jared’s face and he gently pulls it round to face him. “Do you really think this is all I feel for you? That you are convenient?”

Jared searches his face, takes in the open, trusting way Jensen looks at him and shakes his head.

Jensen lets out a relieved breath. “Good, because you are so, so much more, Jared. Don’t think different. It’s just. I’m not good at this whole relationship-thing. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I know it's stupid but I can't help it. And moreover…..I’m so….and you….”

“You think that when we are together, really together and you let your guard down, that I won’t like what I see?” Jared prods gently and Jensen nods and shrugs his shoulders at the same time. Jared wants nothing more than to shake him. Being around Jensen is the most wonderful and difficult thing at the same time and yet he wouldn't want to have it any other way.

“I can’t say much about Liam except that if he really loved you he would have wanted you to be happy and God Jen, I want to be the one that makes you feel that way. And as for the other thing, you’ve shown me so much of yourself already, I doubt that there is anything that could make me not want to be with you.”

“I warned you, I’m not easy and I'm totally screwed up.” Jensen smiles apologetically but his eyes are still locked with Jared’s, looking hopefully.

“Nah, it isn't so bad. You are quite okay, I guess.” Jared replies, placing a small kiss to Jensen’s forehead. Jensen snorts but leans more into Jared, wrapping his arms around him and they stand like this for a long moment, just holding each other.

“Maybe it's time for me to try and move on." Jensen says quietly.

“Sounds like a good plan.” Jared replies in the same quiet voice. Jensen buries his head more into Jared’s body.

“So……do you want me to search for Colin and tell him that you and I are together? Or do you want to do that alpha thing again?” 

Jared lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. He thinks that it is a good thing that he has Jensen in his arms otherwise he would start a little happy dance and that would be more than just a bit awkward. 

“Idiot.” he mumbles and kisses Jensen again, nearly lifting him off the ground, because now he is allowed to do so and who wouldn’t take advantage of that?

They settle down with the others, ignoring their teasing and taunting, and wait for the fireworks to begin. Jared lies down on the blanket and Jensen nudges him until his head rests on Jensen's thigh. Closing his eyes, he sighs contently when Jensen cards his fingers absent-mindedly through his hair while talking to Sandy. He hears an amused snort and he kicks out at where he suspects Chad to be seated. 

“Ouch. Man, what have I done to serve as punching ball tonight?” Chad whines.

“Stop being you and we may start to like you.” Jared replies drowsily, leaning his face into Jensen's caressing hand and only opens his eyes again when the first banger explodes, bathing the night into a thousand silver and golden-coloured stars.

The thing is, Jared loves fireworks with their burst of colour and crackling, whining noises bringing along good memories of holidays spent back home together with his family and friends. Like when he had kissed Robert Miller on the 4th of July during the fireworks or that one time when his brother and his brother’s friends got some illegal fireworks and took Jared along with them to set them off in an abandoned field.

Today though, he couldn't care less about all the explosions inking the sky, or Robert Miller or his brother. He lies with his head still in Jensen's lap and he can’t take his eyes away from the man above him. Jensen has his head tilted upwards and into the sky, his eyes tracking the fireworks. All the different colours are mirrored in his face, highlighting different angles and lighting up his eyes. Jared doesn't remember that he reached up but now his fingers are trailing along Jensen's cheek causing him to look down and at Jared. 

Jared hooks his hand behind Jensen's neck and pulls him down, seeking his mouth in an awkward angled, upside-down kiss. When Jensen breaks away he doesn't pull back completely and he is looking at Jared, watching him with an expression Jared isn’t sure what it means. He can barely make out Jensen’s next words above all the noises surrounding them but thanks God, that he does.

“You wanna stay with me tonight when we get back?”

Large glittering sparks of silver and gold are falling from the sky with sizzling noises. Jared hears Mike's comment and Danneel's awed voice and somewhere to his right there is laughter but none of that matters because all his attention is on Jensen. He tries to think rationally and above the siren song of his libido. But the way Jensen looks and smiles at him belies the casual tone of his question. This offer is about more than just keeping any possible nightmares at bay and Jared sucks in a breath, licking his lips as his mouth goes dry. 

“If you want me to stay, then yes. You know I'd love to. But we don't have to......”

Jensen lays a finger over his lips to silence him. “Shhh, don’t break the spell.” 

~~oOo~~

They stumble out of the two cars, laughing and giggling. Jared rolls his eyes at Jensen as he tries to keep a clearly wasted Chad on his feet. Steve is already on his way to open the entry door.

Jensen chuckles and is about to round the car to help Jared when he notices the SUV that is parked a few feet away. A female figure leans against the door of the passenger side and he recognizes her immediately. 

“I'll be right back.” he tells Jared, ignoring his questioning look. Taking a deep breath he makes his way across the street.

“Agent Ferris, what can I do for you?” he greets his former colleague. He looks behind her and he can see the shadow of another person in the car though he can’t see who it is.

She smiles in reply but her tone is official. “Good to see you, Ackles. Can we talk for a minute?”

He focuses his attention back on Agent Ferris, wondering why on earth they have sent her. Their dislike for each other hasn’t been a secret at the office.

“Talk about what?”

“You have to come with us into the office. We need your help with the copycat killer.” She says, direct as always.

Her request, which is really more of an order, comes not as a surprise. Still, Jensen can't help his physical reaction as he reels back. “Oh no, no, no. I have nothing to do with that.” He hears footsteps behind him and turns around, shaking his head at Jared and Steve to stay where they are.

“You and I both know that’s not true. We can’t do this without your help.” Agent Ferris argues.

“But I’m not with the FBI anymore.” 

Agent Ferris raises her eyebrows as if his objection is out of question. “That is the least of our concerns. You know more about this case than anybody else.”

“You don’t understand, I _can’t_ do this.” he says again, more forceful now. "It's not my fight anymore. Please tell the others I said hi." 

He turns and is about to leave when a deep and sonorous voice comes from the other side of the car. “Death takes no holidays, Ackles. We have three victims so far. Don’t you want to stop him, before there's a fourth? Before someone else has to mourn the loss of a loved one?” 

Just like it always had been, Jensen feels himself stiffen with a mixture of reverence and discomfort as he slowly turns his head to face his former boss. Agent Morgan, larger than life and a true legend amongst his FBI colleagues leans against the driver side of the car. His gaze rests intently on Jensen and his hands play an impatient rhythm on the rooftop. By the fact that he took his time to come here personally, Jensen figures it must be pretty bad.

"Is this really something you could live with?" Agent Morgan asks further. Jensen doesn't reply, doesn't move. Agent Morgan huffs and pushes away from the car. He walks around it to open the rear door.

“Where is Agent Kane?” Jensen asks, stalling for time. He fights the urge to just turn around and walk, no, run away. 

However, deep inside he already knows that by the end of their conversation he will be sitting in the back of the car, driving to the office with them. And Agent Morgan knows it, too. Jensen never said no, not once in all those years he worked at the FBI and it seems that some things will never change. This knowledge makes him sick and he feels his breath quickening and his palms start to sweat. 

“Agent Kane is otherwise occupied.” Agent Morgan says; “Come on Jensen, get in the car.”

Jensen hesitates but in the end he nods slowly. 

“Just give me a minute.” he says and something inside him breaks. It feels like a rug is being pulled out from under his feet and he sways slightly as he turns around and walks over to where Jared and Steve are waiting for him.

“What’s going on?” Jared asks as soon as he stops in front of them, reaching out to take Jensen’s hands in his. “God Jen, you're shaking.”

Jensen looks down at their joined fingers, only now noticing the fine tremors that run through his body. “There are some things I have to take care of.”

“And who are they?” Steve asks, eyeing the two waiting agents with suspicion.

“Former colleagues of mine.” Jensen replies and looks pointedly at Jared whose eyes widen in understanding.

“Are you okay?” he asks, gripping Jensen’s hands tighter and searching his face.

“I don’t know. No, I guess I’m not.” Jensen’s laugh is shallow and he shrugs his shoulders too tired to fake anything. 

“Jen….”

“I’ll be back in a few hours.” 

Without another word Jensen heads back and gets into the car.

 

~~oOo~~

 

_ Thirteen months ago _

_„Jensen.“ Liam stands at the top of the stairs leading to the front patio with his arms crossed in front of his chest._

_Jensen walks up to him and spreads his hands out in a pleading gesture. “I know, Liam. I'm late. Later than I promised to be and I'm really sorry.”_

_Liam stares at him with a torn expression on his face. “You shouldn't have come. You had your chance. Hell, you had several.”_

_“But I'm here now and I want this to work between us, I really do. Because despite what you may think and what I might have shown you lately, you are important to me.” Jensen reaches for Liam's hand._

_Liam searches his face. In the end he lets out a sigh and shakes his head. “Don’t you even think that you are going to get off the hook that easily Jensen Ross Ackles.” he says sternly though Jensen can see the trace of a smile on his face. “I have a stew on the oven, are you hungry?”_

_Jensen nods in response, relieved that he will get a chance to fix this between them. “Sounds good. I'll just get my bag out of the trunk.”_

_Liam squeezes his hand and pulls him closer. “I must be crazy to give you another chance. Please don't let me down.”_

_Jensen shakes his head. “I won't. Everything is going to be better now, I promise.”_

_He is halfway between the cabin and his car when a black SUV, highly polished and chrome plated, appears on the narrow road that opens up to the small clearance with the cabin. He turns around and looks questioningly at Liam who shrugs his shoulders while stepping down from the patio. When the SUV comes to a hold in front of the cabin a man gets out._

_“How glad I am to run across you, Gentlemen and I hope you might be able to help me.” he says as he walks around the car towards them, his open friendly face, hold water-blue eyes and a warm smile._

_Jensen has the strange feeling that he knows him from somewhere, the face looks familiar but he has no idea where to put it, not even when he takes the man in more closely. His appearance resembles that of his car. Somewhat mid-forty, the man's face is clean-shaven and his black hair is combed tightly. He is wearing a neat pinstriped suite with a perfectly matched shirt and a silk tie. Polished shoes, black leather gloves and an expensive looking watch complete the picture._

_“How can we help you?” Liam asks._

_“My name is Holmes. I'm about to visit some friends in one of the cabins. Unfortunately I must have taken the wrong junction and I'm kind of lost in which direction to go. My cell has no reception up here. Do you mind if I use the landline in the cabin to give my friends a quick call? That would be most kind of you.”_

_“Oh sure, follow me.” Liam says after he exchanged a quick look with Jensen. He motions Holmes to follow him and walks towards the front door._

_“Go ahead, I'll be there in a minute.” Jensen says but instead of moving he looks after the two men as they vanish into the cabin. There is something poking in the back of his mind, something that irritates him but he can't get his head around what it is. He shrugs it off and turns towards the car._

_When he enters the cabin a few minutes later he stops dead in his tracks and takes in the scene before him with shock and incomprehension, all colour draining from his face._

_Liam lies motionless on the floor, a small trickle of blood running from his forehead down his cheek. Holmes kneels beside him. He has pulled off his suit jacket but is still wearing the gloves, a log from the fireside in his right hand. The side table is knocked over and a few chairs lie on the floor, the broken reading lamp between them._

_The noise of the front door as it clunked shut behind Jensen causes Holmes to turn around and stand up in one swift move. His eyes darkened to a deeper blue, all friendliness gone, his gaze now cold and measuring with a cruel smile playing around his mouth._

_“Mr. Ackles, finally. I've been looking forward to this moment for a long time.”_

_One moment of indecision between getting out of here and rushing over to Liam is Jensen's undoing. With three quick strikes Holmes gets close enough to grab his shoulders and rams him with his back against the front door, revealing an enormous strength while doing so. The air is squeezed out of Jensen's lungs and he gasps, struggling against the bruising hold._

_Jensen manages to kick Holmes' shin causing his attacker to lose his grip for a second, cursing loudly. Jensen uses his chance to shove him away and darts forward but Holmes reacts quickly and trips him up so that Jensen crushes hard down to the floor, releasing a pained grunt as he twists his wrist in an attempt to brake his fall. Before he can get up again a weight settles above him, knees digging painfully in his back and pinning him down effectively._

_“Shhhh, stop struggling my friend, or you end up hurting yourself and we can't have that. It's not what I have planned for you.” he hears Holmes say above him. The soothing way in which he talks to him is just plain creepy and Jensen redoubles his efforts to get free, writhing and struggling vehemently. Holmes grunts in his effort to keep him down._

_Jensen tries to clear his head. Willing the panic away he looks around for something he could use as a weapon when he spots the stand of the reading lamp within his reach, made out of brass and solid looking. He stretches his arm and tries to get hold of it. But Holmes catches up on his attention and with an angry snarl he leans forward and yanks at Jensen's arm to bend it behind his back, pushing upwards. The strain on his shoulder and the knees digging painfully into his spine make him scream._

_He still breathes through the pain when suddenly, there is a sting at his neck and he yelps, his eyes catching on a syringes that is placed down beside him on the floor._

_“No.” he groans and tries to push himself up but with every passing second his body is growing heavier and his movements become more and more uncoordinated, the effect of the sedative kicking in. Finally and without any chance to fight against it, his limp body is manhandled onto its back and he finds Holmes staring intently, almost fondly down at him._

_“Get some rest, my friend. I will talk to you later.”_

_When Holmes turns away and towards Liam, Jensen sees it, right there on the back of Holmes' neck where the shirt ends and his hairline begins. A tattoo. And now he knows why this face is so familiar to him, Chris' laughing voice ringing loudly in his ears._

“But did you see the back of his neck? Such an old-fashioned type of guy and he is to have a tattoo.”

_He lets out a sob and whispers another desperate 'no' before his eyes fall closed and he slips into unconsciousness_

~~oOo~~

With his head resting against the cool glass of the window Jensen stares out of the car and into the night. The world passes by in a blur of cars and street lights though to him it feels like everything has slowed down almost to a complete standstill, keeping him forever in this endless nightmare of guilt and shame, horror and fear. No matter how far he pushes his past away, it always comes back to wrap itself tighter around him than before. And he can't ignore that little voice inside his mind that tells him that it is pointless to keep fighting it.

Agent Ferris is talking to him, trying to engage him in a conversation but he doesn't reply and soon the monotonous buzzing sound of the car is the only noise surrounding him. There is something comforting about it and after a few minutes Jensen closes his tired eyes.


End file.
